[CHAPTER XI.]
MR. SMOOTH IS RIGHT SIDE UP.
"'This side up—with care!' said I, finding we must come down, and keeping an eye on John, who looked as burly as a drifting ale pipe in a head sea, and whispered something about Young America being an unpleasant companion to sail the air with. Feeling how much better it was to be good-natured, I took the matter mathematically, trusting to the best. To be always right end up is a principle never to be lost sight of. There was land below us, firm and frowning; which, before we knew where we were, we had slipped into, like preserved meat, up to our arm-pits. Poor John made an awful blubbering; seeing which, I told him to be good-natured, and at the same time inquired if he had worked up his whereabouts on the way down.
"'A pretty affair this!' said he, angrily. 'Here, on a desolate island, surrounded by a broad ocean, what chance is there for us to save ourselves, or ever again make the confines of civilization? Despondency knows no joking; and, in such a perplexity, questions about reckoning are out of place. You may make light of it, Mr. Smooth; but, if you please, let us think of some way to deliver ourselves,' grumbled John, sweating, puffing, and blowing. Finally, he said he wished the old gentleman with the horns had made a previous demand on him, inasmuch as it would have saved him the trouble of dying on so desolate a spot, which to him seemed the sorest grievance of all.
"'You groan over it some, don't you, old fellow? Reckon how you hain't seen a Yankee try his ingenuity. Just puff a spell, until Mr. Smooth calmly studies a little philosophy, which is a mighty good thing in cases of emergency like this,' I remarked in reply, getting my ideas into a fix, in order to bring out the best point of operation. Working myself out in a cool sort of way, I seized hold of him by the shoulders, and yanked him straight out, like a log from a marsh slough. 'Now, take it all for the best, John,' I rejoined encouragingly, going to work and putting up a liberty pole, to which I tacked the stars and stripes, while John was grumbling, growling, and methodizing about saving himself. This done on behalf of my country, and Young America more particularly, I set about erecting a hut, wherein we could both turn in for the night. With me it was sink the desponding and keep up a stiff spring of hope; but when bed-time came, John made a great fuss about his night-cap and dressing-gown, and slippers,—as if the comforts of home were inseparable. Then he made a crooked face about his bed, while I laughed at him for his whims, his fancies, and his dogged pedantries. However, morning found him better-natured, and taking advantage of the opportunity, we held a consultation upon what was best to be done. That we were on an uninhabited island not a doubt existed: nor had any son of civilized man ever visited it before: not so much of civilization as a gallows was there to be seen anywhere, although there were visible in the distance many mountains, and plains, and valleys, and lakes swarming with fish. With these a people might have flourished, while the soil was pregnant of richness, ready to bring forth corn, rice, tobacco, and cotton. I was grieved that such a spot should lie wasting; all it wanted was a few sons of New England to make its resources of great commercial value. A ponderous mountain rose nearly to the sky, distant some two days' journey, in the west. After breakfasting on wild fruit (of which there was a great abundance) and limpid water, we set out for it, making a straight line through the forest; but before reaching the summit, and after three days' scrubbing, we discovered smoke curling gently upward here and there in the clear blue atmosphere. 'Lord bless ye, John!' I exclaimed, halting suddenly, 'there is living critters here, as I'm a Down-easter.'
"'I see 'um moving!' he rejoined, nervously surveying the spot. And in another hour we were in the midst of a tribe of savages, swarthy and of vicious appearance. Such yelling, hallooing, jumping, and cutting wild antics, you never saw before, nor could pen describe. Nobody could have understood their chattering, which was a species of growl and shortly accented muttering. Forsooth! it was as unintelligible as that language so generally diffused through diplomatic notes and protocols. Now hideous squaws ran one way, young children another. Dogs and cats brought up the rear, their music combining in most ungrateful medley. John's fears became excited as he saw the chiefs rushing furiously onward in the van. 'What shall we do?' said he; 'they will exterminate us.' I said we had better summon all our amiability and endeavor to engraft ourselves in their good graces. Young America would talk Yankee to them. To this John gave ready consent. I was glad to see that for once he had laid aside his dignity and superciliousness: it was freely acknowledging that Uncle Sam was somebody—that he could, in his plain straightforward way do clever things. Therefore, to initiate my diplomacy I drew forth the Stars and Stripes, and held them before a monster chief of some seven feet in stature, who had almost reached us, making savage grimaces. Soon he stood before us, John commenced to bow with all his politeness, and meekly doffing off his hat, began a speech with:—'Your sublime majesty—' 'Stop that, John!' I exclaimed firmly, interrupting him. Here I stepped in, and extended my hand to the savage. 'My name, stranger,' I continued 'is Commissioner Solomon Smooth—at home they call me General Smooth. Now, seeing that I am sent by our patriotic President (a very small man by the way, but immeasurably large when dealing in the mere language of war) whose determination that talent of a truly American character shall shine abroad has been fully appreciated by the nations honored with his promising plenipotentiaries, Mr. Pierce has deputed me to square the world in general, and manifest destiny in particular.' The savage at first exhibited signs of concern, but finally summoned to his aid a salutation of welcome, and at the same time grasped my hand warmly and earnestly. Communicating with him by signs was not the most agreeable office: but when there is a point to be gained energy is always well spent. I would enlighten him upon matters connected with our government, while ascertaining his ideas of annexation: this the language of signs prevented my doing. I regretted this exceedingly, inasmuch as it compelled me to forego the comparison I contemplated making between his and those known ideas entertained by General Pierce himself. Enough, however, was drawn from the signs to prove a striking coincidence. 'Never bin to Washington—I reckon?' I inquired assuming the independent, as I gave my hat an easy set on the windward side of my head. He shook his head, and croaked out something no one could understand. 'Great place!' rejoined I—'ought to come over and see it, old fellow.' I affectionately placed my arm about his neck, as he shook his head a second time; the small kindness had made us good friends. Motioning John to him, he grasped our hands, led us to his camp, called a council of his people, who said much it was impossible for us to understand. Indeed, they set up a conflict of sound more dinning than the roar of waters. Instinctively hospitable, when dinner-time came they motioned us to sit and partake of a piping dish of snakes' heads and fried beetles, of which choice delicacies the old chief was sorely grieved that we ate but little. Now and then he would spread his hands, as if to say—why not eat of what I give you? I was not long in becoming acquainted with our new acquaintance; nor did I fail to shock the modesty of our worthy friend John, who said he could not view with indifference the celerity with which I walked into things which should be touched only with the dignity of national character.
"'Now stranger,' continued I, addressing myself good-naturedly to the chief; 'seeing you are sovereign of this remote but lovely country—and that yours is manifestly an empire—suppose we try a little trade. Smooth is a free-and-easy citizen of the United States—can meet you at and be friendly over anything. My friend here,' (I pointed to John who seemed in an offish mood) 'is a Britisher, an honest member of that very ancient and gallant family which now views us, too often for that spirit which should make us friends, as a beardless upstart; John, though extremely vain, is not a bad fellow, and at times improves on acquaintance. If his proclivities for getting into an hole (like a toad in a shower) are at times too strongly manifested, who so ungenerous as not to forgive the hereditary character of the disease?'
"'Umph! umph! whew!' exclaimed the chief, as he spread his hands and contorted his face. We could not understand him; pained were we that we could not. He felt keenly the misfortune, shook his head in sorrow; and murmured, as if a world separated his thoughts and ours. Modestly, John touched me on the shoulder, and whispered:—'S'pose we call this distant Britain? you can have the next discovery. I'll proclaim it in the name of my sovereign—it will be quite right;' John was inclined to do the very honorable on the sly; but, being of opinion that he had appropriated to himself enough in that sort of way, I interposed a decided objection. 'Governor!' I retorted, taking the chief by the hand—'if a good speculation you would make, annex this little empire of yours to our great Republic. Manifest destiny will make you one of us; but don't wait for that. Hook on while the link is hot—you'll find it a good speculation. Young America will put your nation through a process of regenerating: he will make steam civilize when everything else fails; he will send his Transit Company to take possession of the government. We seek not, like John to conquer—we colonize. You may be one of us; by accepting Young America's offering you may be as independent as a colored preacher on Sunday.' The chief gazed in bewilderment—his people muttered still more.
"John now became furious of anger. 'We, too,' he interposed, 'colonize. Say you will come under the protection and acknowledged allegiance to our Queen, and yours shall be a scarlet coat, a cocked hat, and a great broadsword wherewith to fight your way in the world.' The chief moved his head doubtingly, as his body vibrated from head to foot. What strange opinions invaded his thoughts! He placed his broad hard hands gently on our heads, drew us lovingly to him, and smiled. In that smile was that which said we were both good and honest, but needed much watching. We were, indeed, good specimens of our separate nations, but the free-and-easy seemed most acceptable to the savage. 'Governor!' I continued to address the chief as I turned to John, 'beware of his fascinating coat of scarlet. Such things may charm the little; sensible men know their worthlessness. Hang out the star-spangled banner, espouse popular rights; let the rest of mankind know you belong to a nation whose destiny is the overthrow of kings and kingcraft on one continent at least.' Still, mutely the savage listened. There was no getting English into his head; hence I saw the necessity of gaining my ends by signs and motions, after the fashion of our modern diplomacy. Say what you will, mute diplomacy is not without its effect. At it I went, in a style that put French dancing entirely into the shade.