"Of course I bowed to this, and declared the compliment as merited as handsomely bestowed. And then he continued: 'You see now, sir—and it's no small compliment to a man in this out of the way part of the world!—I holds her Majesty's commission to alienate (some call it demonstrate) the laws of the land.' Here the Squire's face broadened and got redder, and the flashy handkerchief seemed too small for the organic conformation of his big blue-veined neck.
"'Now and then, though, I gets a law case so confoundedly cross-grained, that I'se forced to call in Lawyer Songster (he's a cute un, ye know), afore I can get the point o'nt halucinated. Then, Smooth, you see, I isn't one a them kind a folk what run after bigified gentry; and that's how I'se got where I has! A squire in this part of the world is somebody, I assure ye, sir. Then, what's more, I've always bin as loyal as a body could be; but, remember ye, I warn't on the Tory side, and for the very reason that they never appreciated native talent and native larnin. Them were the days,' said the Squire, accompanying the words with a sort of political flourish, what tried the souls of us county-folk. Tory Johnson, and Radical Joe Howe, used to come this way lectioneerin, and set the whole country by the ears; what folk neither of 'em winned over to his party they were sure to get drunk; and poor folks were so fascinated with politics there was no getting a stroke of work done for a month after. Joe Howe, see ye I was a perfect Jones on politics—was what them that know most about politics called a champion of free suffrage; and, what was more nor all, worked himself up from the use of a printer's stick to holding a stick of stronger cast over the whole province, not even excepting our own country. In fact, he kicked Sir Rupert George out of the Colonial Office only for himself to be kicked in. Well, Joe said if I'd put in the strong talk, and lectioneer for him and the radicals, he'd make me Squire when he got in the place—and he kept his word, you see. Joe once see'd me try a case, and he was so taken with it, there was no describin' his feelins. I take it you'd think natur had done her part for me in knowin' so much 'bout law, if ye'd see me put a case through.'
"The Squire had it all his own way, Smooth not having a chance to put in a word edgewise. 'But, seem' how you cussed Yankees has upset everything in trade along the coast, I isn't so rich as I used to be. There wor a time when my little store was as good a gold mine as you could turn up in Californey; I could get any kind of a price for goods; and New England rum, what I liquidated with a sprinklin of Jamaica, sold as quick as gold-dust at fifteen shillins a gallon.'
"Here, by the way of diversifying the conversation, I inquired if he remembered the Queen, in the way of duties paid!
"The Squire opened his spacious mouth, showed his great shark-like teeth, threw away his worn quid, gave his eyes a significant roll sideways, laughed out heartily, and with his left fist added a warning pinch under my left ribs. 'Don't ask that unanswerable question! The custom-house was so far off that nobody thought it any harm to smuggle, just a little! Bless ye! Mr. Smooth, why (here Belhash wiped his face with a flashy Spitalfields) the Rector used to get all his tea smuggled; nor a bit of harm did he think it. But, times ain't as they wos then, nor did folks deal so much in politics and Yankee notions.' Here the Squire gave his head a significant twist, as his face glowed as expressive as a fatherly pumpkin of venerable age. After another dissertation on the mode of administering the laws of the land, he invited me into his law establishment, which was the kitchen of a somewhat dilapidated farm-house, of very small dimensions, clapboarded and shingled after the old style. I (Smooth) said there could be no objections to this proceeding, and so, following him very cheerfully into the kitchen, he fussed about for some time among what seemed the cookery arrangements, and at length drew from a chest that stood firmly fixed under an old deal table near a spacious fire-place, in which was a monster back-log, from behind which the ferret eyes of three mischievous urchins peered curious and comical, his judicial suit. Again from the chest the Squire drew forth a large steel chain, and a very mysterious-looking book, and began decorating himself in the most shocking manner. This done, he repaired to the door, in all his profuseness, and seated himself on a block of wood just outside, where as if suddenly becoming conscious of the absence of something very necessary to his personal appearance, he doffed his coat, rolled up his shirt-sleeves, and what, readers, do you suppose he commenced doing?—Getting up the dignity! With nothing less than a pound of chalk before him, he commenced polishing up a steel chain that might on an emergency have served to chain up a very large bull-dog; but the Squire adapted it to the more fashionable use of adorning himself, and making safe his ponderous pinchbeck watch. Belhash now puffed, and blowed, and swore, and sweated, and piled on the chalk, and rubbed and tugged criss-crass his knee, until, with the motion and fritting, he had well nigh covered his cloth with the white substance, from the knee downward. Getting it to the dignity point of brightness he invited me back into his forum, which served the double purpose of kitchen and law-shop. Here he again smothered himself in an extra coat of judicial homespun, and solicited my assistance in securing the bandanna tight about his neck. 'I looks somethin' of a judge, I take it, now?' he said, waiting my approval of his personal appearance, as he fingered the broad turn of his shirt-collar, which seriously threatened his ears and chin. I said I never saw a judicial gentleman look more upish. In fact, nobody could deny that in clothes the Squire was all consequence; and when he loomed into 'Court,' all over the steel chain, believe it, there were bows and servilities without stint. Taking his seat on a high birch block, the plank table being set before him, on which to spread his inseparable law-book, the plaintiffs and defendants assembled, and took seats on a wooded bench in front. 'All persons whatsoever havin' any business whatever with this 'ere court—Squire Belhash sitting—must come for'ard now or never,' cries out at the top of a deep sonorous voice a little scraggy-looking Scotchman, who, without coat or vest (his shirt-sleeves rolled up, and the right leg of his nether garment tucked away beneath a coarse deck-boot), acted the double part of usher and constable. Again directing a few legal phrases to the Squire, who bowed acknowledgingly, he turned to those present—hoped gentlemen would take their hats off, and spit in the fire-place, seeing how the Court had been newly sanded.
"Having examined a paper, somewhat judicially, the Squire, with an air of dignified endurance, turning to his usher, said:—'Well, I reckon, it's best to try the case of Hornblower versus the herrins!' Down he laid Justice's Guide. It seemed that on the previous night sundry fishing nets had by some mysterious process been relieved of their burden. This, one of the Squire's sons charged to the ingenuity, and, as he set forth without fear or trembling, stealing propensities of one skipper Hornblower, who at this time sailed a saucy-looking craft called the 'Virtue of Cape Cod.' This Hornblower was one of the independent school, cared not seven coppers for anybody, nor had the most virtuous respect for the nets of his neighbours; he looked the pink-perfection of a Cape Cod fisherman. The skipper rose before his accusers; his hard, weather-bleached face looking as if his intention to throw a harpoon into somebody was the very best in the world. Then his dark eyes flashed lightning at the Squire, who commanded the little Scotchman to read the indictment. This suspicious looking document set forth that one skipper Hornblower, of the schooner Virtue, had feloniously, and with malice aforethought, extracted from the nets of one James Belhash, son by lawful wedlock of the presiding justice, sundry herring, mackerel, and other fish—such as usually come into such nets, and are found on these Her Majesty's shores. Here the Squire interrupted by commencing an essay on the enormity of the crime; and concluded with the following pungent remark:—'Now, Hornblower, I knows, without ginning a look in the law-book, you're guilty; there's always stealin done when you're about the shore. Anyhow! what say ye for yourself? Remember, you're in a Magistrate's Court—in the presence of a justice of the peace!'
"'So far as that is concerned, I'll knock under, Squire; but I just wants to see yer prove a thing or two afore ye come possum over this salt-water citizen!' returns Hornblower, spunkily, pulling from the pocket of his pea-coat a fascinating wedge of tobacco, which so tempted the Squire that he could not resist reaching out his hand and supplying his spacious mouth. As nature, ever erring, should be generous to nature, so also did I interrupt here by offering to plead Hornblower's case; to which meritorious object I commenced taking off my coat.
"'Don't want nobody to soft-soap the case—especially a Yankee—for there's the law in that ar' book (here the high functionary turned down the corner of the very page on which it stood forcible to his mind), and I knows all about it—d——d if I don't!'
"'Swearin' ain't judiciary, Squire!' says I.
"'Tain't none a' your business,' he rejoined, letting his anger get above his caution. 'Call Jacob—he'll swar t' what he see'd the skipper do!' Here Jacob, a younger son of the Squire, was called. Jacob had seen some seventeen summers; and in addition to what larnin' the Squire had 'gin him,' was well up in the swearing business, for the furtherance of which his abilities were frequently invoked.