"Here Hornblower charged the Squire with having a suspicious quantity of fresh herring in his own cellar. 'I don't say how they got there this morning afore daylight, Squire,' said he, 'but there's a citizen not far off what will.'
"'It's the ram—d——d'st false ever told against a gentleman of my high standing!'
"'What is Squire?' interpolated Hornblower, keeping as cool as the face of a March morning. Why!' returns the Squire, 'to say I stole 'em myself!'
"'There can be no mistaking it Squire,' chimes in Hornblower; 'and the stronger evidence is the fact of your being the only son of a man who has yet preferred the charge of stealing them. Now, Squire, I'll stake the schooner Virtue, that on proceeding into your cellar the herring will be recovered and injured justice satisfied: just grant us a warrant to search your cellar, Squire.' Here Hornblower looked thunder and lightning at the Squire whose wrath and misgiving seemed carrying out a sad conflict in his heart. The result was a strange clatter of tongues. Notwithstanding the Squire's estimate of his own popularity, the good people on the coast well understood his singular process of doing up the law business. 'You'll get your straight ups to jail, or pay the coin right down, Hornblower!' demanded the Squire, making a flourish with his law-book, and preparing to adjourn for the purpose of doing a small quantity of drinking.
"'The Squire's a humbug!—he is!—I'll blow the Court to thunder. Just clar the kitchen,' cried out the skipper, stripping off his coat, as if to have a tug and hug with the Squire, who at that moment wanted to get a word in edgewise. The next Smooth saw, the Squire was letting fly at Hornblower's head the law-book; which rather summary demonstration was replied to by a stream of tobacco juice, with which Hornblower blinded the Squire, setting him nearly frantic. By the way, the law-book missed its intended object, and stormed the end of Uncle Seth Sprague's nose, nearly knocking off an inch or two.
"'Now, if that is Colonial law, Squire, I think how a little home-made Yankee justice won't be a bad application,' said Hornblower, making ready to administer the medicine; then he squared off, and sent his mauler right into the Squire's dumplin depot, so sharp and strong, as to produce a decided conviction. At length the Squire was floored, and found working the rule of three on the boards. Here the diplomacy became so warm, that Smooth having the very highest regard for Mr. Pierce and his fighting diplomatists who deemed getting up duels, and writing down editors very necessary preliminaries to their mission, thought he would withdraw, leaving the intricacy to Hornblower's settlement, seeing that he was producing the strongest kind of notes and protocols.
[CHAPTER XVII.]
SMOOTH SETTLES ALL INTERNATIONAL DIFFICULTIES.
"Smooth, on returning to the arms of Mr. Pierce, concluded it would not be bad policy to touch at Halifax, meet Uncle John Bull's Commissioner, and with him make a final settlement of all international questions. And now, being alongside of George's Island, which rises abruptly in the centre of Halifax harbor, and nearly opposite the old tower on Point Pleasant—and from which a splendid view of the surrounding country may be obtained, I feel a desire to relate some scenes of singular import which have been enacted in this place. My respect for the feelings of great men and governors, however, causes me to withhold some few of them. Indeed, my character for modesty being pretty well established, I am more than cautions how I bring it in contact with the nervous system of such gentry. Nevertheless, seeing that not uncommonly the greatest and most powerful nations turn the smallest beings into very great men, and spend no end of money to do nobody any good, a short, and I may say, a very modest account from the catalogue of my experience, may not be out of place. Well, I, Smooth, Minister-in-General to General Pierce, received, in addition to my own previous conclusion, an incentive to the object in view, conveyed in a dispatch from my Grandpapa Marcy, in which he advised the repairing immediately to Halifax, there to witness the grand battle that was to for ever settle the fish question, and give peace to fishermen and fish in general. It was sincerely hoped that in the settlement of this long unsettled question, Mr. Pierce would keep his black-pig at home. The result proved the mistake: war was declared. And the day on which the great struggle would be decided ushered in upon a scene at once gloomy and ominous. Mysterious and fleecing clouds now obscured the heavens, and again shadowed with their silvery mists the surface of the sullen stream. A contest of mighty import was to be decided. The hazard was great, but the point to be gained small indeed; and men moved along the busy streets whispering their strong misgivings. Monster war-ships, with ponderous engines supplied, rode like sleeping demons upon the water's leaden surface. An hour of anxiety passed, a signal of war echoed forth, and murmured over the landscape like distant thunder coursing along the heavens. Then the murmuring sound re-echoed, as if the battlements above had opened upon the earth and sea. Soon Britannia's wooden walls were seen veering into line and preparing for action; America's ranged in the same order, waiting the dread moment. Anxious eyes and thoughts strained in expectation of the bloody struggle; then the boatswain's shrill whistle sounded forth, the leaden clouds overhead chased away, and bolder outlined became the figures of venerable Admirals, who, immersed in glittering uniforms, paced their quarter-decks. Again the ominous mouths of fierce cannon suddenly protruded more savagely from the sides of the huge hulks, and the shrill whistle sounded; all was bustle and confusion—eager thousands of both sexes crowded wharves lining the shore, and many struggled for space to stand upon while witnessing the terrible conflict. Again all was hushed into stillness; in breathless suspense did excitement sit on every countenance, as if waiting for the signal flash soon to break forth and turn everything into a chaos. A quarter-master was seen passing a speaking trumpet to the burly old British admiral, who, judging from his deportment, might have supplied the place of a rare curiosity in any cabinet of ancient relics. With it in his hand the ancient veteran mounted a gun on the starboard quarter, and shouted forth the ominous sound: 'I accept your challenge—all ready?' A terrible movement was now perceptible among the spectators on shore.