A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume 01

by Unknown

Enter CELESTINA, the bawd.

CEL. Now the blessing that our lady gave her son,
That same blessing I give now to you all!
That I come thus homely, I pray you of pardon;
I am sought and send for as a woman universal.
Celestina, of truth, my name is to call;
Sempronio for me about doth inquire,
And it was told me I should have found him here.
I am sure he will come hither anon;
But the whilst I shall tell you a pretty game:
I have a wench of Sempronio's, a pretty one,
That sojourneth with me: Elicaea is her name.
But the last day we were both nigh a stark shame,
For Sempronio would have her to himself several;
And she loveth one Crito better or as well.
This Crito and Elicaea sat drinking
In my house, and I also making merry;
And as the devil would, far from our thinking,
Sempronio almost came on us suddenly.
But then wrought I my craft of bawdry;
I bade Crito go up, and make himself room
To hide him in my chamber among the broom.[42]
Then made I Elicaea sit down a-sewing,
And I with my rock[43] began for to spin;
As who saith of Sempronio we had no knowing.
He knocked at the door, and I let him in;
And for a countenance I did begin
To catch him in mine arms, and said, see, see!
Who kisseth me, Elicaea, and will not kiss thee?
Elicaea for a countenance made her grieved,
And would not speak, but still did sew.
Why speak ye not? quoth Sempronio, be ye moved?
Have I not a cause, quoth she? no, quoth he, I trow.
Ah! traitor, quoth she, full well dost thou know!
Where hast thou been these three days from me,
That the imposthumes and evil death take thee!
Peace, mine Elicaea, quoth he, why say ye thus?
Alas! why put you yourself in this woe?
The hot fire of love so brenneth between us,
That my heart is with yours, wherever I go;
And for three days' absence to say to me so,
In faith, methinketh, ye be to blame.
But now hark well, for here beginneth the game!
Crito, in my chamber above that was hidden,
I think lay not easily, and began to rumble;
Sempronio heard that, and asked who was within,
Above in the chamber that so did tumble.
Who? quoth she; a lover of mine! may-hap, ye stumble,
Quoth he, on the truth, as many one doth.
So up, quoth she, and look, whether it be sooth.
Well, quoth he, I go. Nay, thought I, not so,
I said, come, Sempronio, let this fool alone;
For of thy long absence she is in such woe,
And half beside herself, and her wit nigh gone.
Well, quoth he, above yet there is one.
Wilt thou know, quoth I? yea, quoth he, I thee require;
It is a wench, quoth I, sent me by a friar.
What friar? quoth he. Wilt thou needs know? quoth I; then
It is the friar[44] …
Oh, quoth he, what a load hath that woman
To bear him! Yea, quoth I; though women per case
Bear heavy full oft, yet they gall in no place.
Then he laughed; yea, quoth I, no more words of this
For this time; too long we spend here amiss.

Intrat SEMPRONIO.

SEM. O mother Celestine, I pray God prosper thee.
CEL. My son Sempronio, I am glad of our meeting.
And, as I hear say, ye go about to seek me?
SEM. Of truth, to seek you was mine hither coming.
Mother, lay apart now all other thing,
And alonely tend to me, and imagine
In that that I purpose now to begin.
Calisto in the love of fair Melibaea
Burneth; wherefore of thee he hath great need.
CEL. Thou say'st well, knowest not me Celestina?
I have the end of the matter, and for more speed
Thou shalt wade no farther; for of this deed
I am as glad, as ever was the surgeon
For salves for broke heads to make provision.
And so intend I to do to Calisto:
To give him hope and assure him remedy;
For long hope to the heart much trouble will do.
Wherefore to the effect thereof I will hie.
SEM. Peace, for methinketh Calisto is nigh.

Intrat CALISTO et PARMENO.

CAL. Parmeno.
PAR. What say you?
CAL. Wottest who is here?
Sempronio! that reviveth my cheer.
PAR. It is Sempronio, with that old bearded whore.
Be ye they my master so sore fordoth long?[45]
CAL. Peace, I say, Parmeno, or go out of the door!
Comest thou to hinder me? then dost thou me wrong;
I pray thee help for to make me more strong,
To win this woman: else, gods forbode,
She hath equal power of my life under God.
PAR. Wherefore to her do ye make such sorrow?
Think ye in her arse there is any shame?
The contrary who telleth you, be never his borrow;
For as much she glorifieth her in her name,
To be called an old whore, as ye would of fame.
Dogs in the street and children at every door
Bark and cry out, There goeth an old whore!
CAL. How knowest all this? dost thou know her?
PAR. Yea that [I do time long][46] agone
For a false whore, the devil overthrow her!
My mother, when she died, gave me to her alone,
And a starker bawd was there never none.
For that I know I dare well say:[47]
Let see the contrary who can lay.
I have been at her house and seen her trinkets
For painting; things innumerable;
Squalms and balms; I wonder where she gets
The things that she hath with folks for to fable,
And to all bawdry ever agreeable.
Yet worse than that, which will never be laft,
Not only a bawd, but a witch by her craft.
CEL. Say what thou wilt, son, spare not me.
SEM. I pray thee, Parmeno, leave thy malicious envy.
[Calisto goes aside.
PAR. Hark hither, Sempronio, here is but we three;
In that I have said canst thou deny?
GAL. Come hence, Parmeno, I love not this, I;
And, good mother, grieve you not, I you pray.
My mind I shall show now, hark what I say.
O notable woman, O ancient virtue!
O glorious hope of my desired intent!
The end of my delectable hope to renew:
My regeneration to this life present,
Resurrection from death so excellent;
Thou art above [all] other. I desire humbly
To kiss thy hands, wherein lieth my remedy.
But mine unworthiness maketh resistance;
Yet worship I the ground that thou goest on,
Beseeching thee, good woman, with most reverence
On my pain with thy pity to look upon.
Without thy comfort my life is gone;
To revive my dead spirits thou may'st prefer me,
With the words of thy mouth to make or mar me.
CEL. Sempronio, can I live with these bones,
That thy master giveth me here for to eat?
Words are but wind; therefore at once
Bid him close his mouth, and to his purse get.
For money maketh [the] merchant, that must jet.[48]
I have heard his words, but where be his deeds?
For without money with me nothing speeds. [Aside.
CAL. What saith she, Sempronio? alas, my heart bleeds,
That I with you, good woman, mistrust should be.
SEM. Sir, she thinketh that money all thing feeds.
CAL. Then come on, Sempronio, I pray thee, with me;
And tarry here, mother, awhile, I pray thee;
For where of mistrust ye have me appealed,
Have here my cloak, till your doubt be assoiled.
SEM. Now do ye well; for weeds among corn,
Nor suspicions with friends, did never well.
For[49] faithfulness of words turned to a scorn
Maketh minds doubtful, good reason doth tell.
CAL. Come on, Sempronio, thou givest me good counsel.
SEM. Go ye before, and I shall wait you upon.
Farewell, mother, we will come again anon.
[Exeunt.
PAR. How say ye, my lords? see ye not this smoke,
In my master's eyes that they do cast?
The one hath his chain, the other his cloak;
And I am sure they will have all at last.
Ensample may be by this that is passed,
How servants be deceitful in their master's folly,
Nothing but for lucre is all their bawdry. [Aside.
CEL. It pleaseth me, Parmeno, that we together
May speak, whereby thou may'st see I love thee,
Yet undeserved[50] now thou comest hither;
Whereof I care not; but virtue warneth me
To flee temptation, and follow charity:
To do good against ill, and so I read thee,
Sempronio, and I will help thy necessities.
And in token now that it shall so be,
I pray thee among us let us have a song.
For where harmony is, there is amity.
PAR. What, an old woman sing?
CEL. Why not among?
I pray thee no longer the time prolong.
PAR. Go to; when thou wilt, I am ready.
CEL. Shall I begin?
PAR. Yea, but take not too high. [Cantant.
CEL. How say ye now by this, little young fool?[51]
For the third part Sempronio we must get.
After that thy master shall come to school
To sing the fourth part, that his purse shall sweat;
For I see craftly the song can set.
Though thy master be hoarse, his purse shall sing clear,
And taught to solf,[52] that woman's flesh is dear.
How say'st to this, thou praty[53] Parmeno?
Thou knowest not the world nor no delights therein:
Dost understand me? in faith, I trow no,
Thou art young enough the game to begin;
Thy master hath waded himself so far in,
And to bring him out lieth not in me, old poor—
PAR. Thou shouldst say it lieth not in me, old whore.
CEL. Ah, whoreson, a shame take such a knave!
How darest thou with me, thou boy, be so bold?
PAR. Because such knowledge of thee I have.
CEL. Why, who art?
PAR. Parmeno, son to Albert the old;
I dwelt with thee by the river, where wine was sold,
And thy mother, I trow, hight Claudena.
That a wild-fire bren thee, Celestina!
CEL. But thy mother was as old a whore as I.
Come hither, thou little fool, let me see thee:
Ah, it is even he, by our blessed lady!
What, little urchin, hast forgotten me?
When thou layest at my bed's-feet, how merry were we!
PAR. Ah, thou old matron,[54] it were alms thou were dead!
How wouldest thou pluck me up to thy bed's head,
And embrace me hard unto thy belly!
And for thou smelled'st oldly, I ran from thee.
CEL. A shameful whoreson! fie upon thee, fie, fie!
Come hither, and now shortly I charge thee,
That all this foolish speaking thou let be.
Leave wantonness of youth; then shalt thou do well;
Follow the doctrine of thy elders and counsel.
To whom thy parents (on whose souls God have mercy!)
In pain of cursing bade thee be obedient.
In pain whereof, I command thee straitly,
Too much in mastership put not thine intent:
No trust is in them, if thine own be spent.
Masters nowadays covet to bring about
All for themselves, and let their servants go without.
Thy master, men say, and as I think he be,
But light care ich[55] not—who come to his service;
Fair words shall not lack, but small rewards, trust me.
Make Sempronio thy friend in any wise;
For he can handle him in the best guise.
Keep this, and for thy profit: tell it to none;
But look that Sempronio and thou be one.
PAR. Mother Celestine, I wot not what ye mean;
Calisto is my master, and so I will take him,
And as for riches I defy it clean;
For whosoever with wrong rich doth make him,
Sooner than he gat it, it will forsake him.
I love to live in joyful poverty,
And to serve my master with truth and honesty.
CEL. Truth and honesty be riches of the name;
But surety of wealth[56] is to have riches,
And after that for to get him good fame.
By report of friends, this is truth, doubtless;
Then no such manner friend can I express
As Sempronio, for both your profits to speed;
Which lieth in my hands now, if ye be agreed.
O Parmeno, what a life may we endure!
Sempronio loveth the daughter of Eliso—
PAR. And who? Arusa?
CEL. Likest her?
PAR. Peradventure?
CEL. I shall get her to thee, that shall I do.
PAR. Nay, mother Celestine, I purpose not so.
A man should be conversant, I hear tell,
With them that be ill, and think to do well.
Sempronio, his ensample shall not make me
Better nor worse; nor his faults will I hide;
But, mother Celestine, a question to thee—
Is not sin anon in one espied?
That is drowned in delight, how should he provide
Against virtue to save his honesty?
CEL. Like a child without wisdom thou answerest me.
Without company mirth can have none estate:
Use no sloth; nature abhorreth idleness,
Which leseth delight to nature appropriate.
In sensual causes delight is chief mistress;
Specially recounting love's business.
To say thus doth she: the time thus they pass,
And such manner they use, and thus they kiss and bass;
And thus they meet and embrace together.
What speech, what grace, what plays is between them!
Where is she? there she goeth; let us see whither:
Now pleased, now froward; now mum, now hem!
Strike up, minstrel, with saws of love, the old problem.
Sing sweet songs; now jousts and tourney.
Of new inventions what conceits find they?
Now she goeth to mass; to-morrow she cometh out.
Behold her better; yonder goeth a cuckold.
I left her alone: she cometh: turn about!—
Lo thus, Parmeno, thou mayest behold
Friends will talk together, as I have told.
Wherefore perceive thou, that I say truly,
Never can be delight without company.

Hic iterum intrat CALISTO.

CAL. Mother, as I promised to assoil thy doubt,
Here I give thee an hundred pieces of gold.
CEL. Sir, I promise you I shall bring it about,
All thing to purpose, even as ye would;
For your reward I will do as I should.
Be merry, fear nothing, content ye shall be.
CAL. Then, mother, farewell; be diligent, I pray thee.
[Exit Celestine.
How sayest, Sempronio, have I done well?
SEM. Yea, sir, in my mind, and most according.
CAL. Then wilt thou do after my counsel?
After this old woman will thou be hieing,
To remember and haste her in everything.
SEM. Sir, I am content, as ye command me.
CAL. Then go, and bid Parmeno come, I pray thee.
[Exit Sempronio.
Now God be their guides! the posts[57] of my life,
My relief from death, the ambassadors of my wealth!
My hope, my hap; my quietness, my strife;
My joy, my sorrow; my sickness, my health.
The hope of this old woman; my heart telleth
That comfort shall come shortly, as I intend.
Or else come, death, and make of me an end.

Enter PARMENO.

PAR. In faith, it maketh no force nor matter mich,
CAL. What sayest, Parmeno, what sayest to me?
PAR. Marry, I say plainly, that yonder old witch
And Sempronio together will undo thee.
CAL. Ah, ill-tongued wretch, will ye not see?
Thinkest thou, lurden, thou handlest me fair?
Why, knave, wouldest thou put me in despair?
[Exit Calisto.
PAR. Lo, sirs, my master, ye see, is angry;
But this it is, tell fools for their profit,
Or warn them for their wealth, it is but folly;
For strike them on the heel, and as much wit
Shall come forth at their forehead to perceive it.
Go thy way, Calisto, for on my charge
Thy thrift is sealed up, though thou be at large.
Oh, how unhappy I am to be true;
For other men win by falsehood and flattery:
I lose for my truth: the world doth so ensue,
Truth is put back, and taken for folly.
Therefore now I will change my copy.
If I had done, as Celestine bad me,
Calisto to his mission still would have had me.
This giveth me warning from henceforward
How to deal with him for all thing as he will:
I will [be] the same forward or backward.
I will go straight to him, and follow him still:
Say as he saith, be it good or ill;
And sith these bawds get good provoking lechery,
I trust flattery shall speed as well as bawdry.