January 2nd. I treated him abominably. Knocked at the door—Good-morning, Herr Prof. please what do we want for the lesson to-day? He very civilly: Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of a Christmas did you have—I: Thank you, much as usual.—He turned round and stared at me: It does not seem to have been; to judge from your manner. —I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: O-o-h? He may well say O-o-h! For he has not the least idea that I know the way in which he speaks of us.
January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for her first drive. She’s much better now and will come back to school by the middle of the month. I must tell her before that or she’ll get a shock. Yesterday she asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?—Oh yes, I fibbed, but not so often as before. And she said: That’s the way it goes, out of sight out of mind. What will happen when she learns the truth. Anyhow I shan’t tell her until she’s quite strong.
January 10th. I’ve had to tell Hella already. She was talking so enthusiastically about S. G. At first I said nothing. And then she said: What are you making such a face for? Are not you allowed to arrange the things any more?—I: Allowed? Of course I’m allowed, but I don’t want to any more. I did not tell Hella how bad I feel about it; for I really was madly in love with him.
January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love with him too or rather must be in love with him still. On Sunday evening she was so much upset that her mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She had pains and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness she’s got over it like me. She said to-day: Don’t let’s bother ourselves about it any more. We wasted our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At such moments she is magnificent, especially now when she is still so pale. Besides in the holidays and now since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter head taller than me. Dora is frightfully annoyed because I am nearly as tall as she is. Thank goodness it makes me look older than 12 1/2.
Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for her mother is going to take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 weeks.
January 18th. It’s horridly dull with Hella away. Only now do I realise, since her illness. I am always feeling as if she had fallen ill again. Her mother has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in the beginning of February.
January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is really since, she went away, I spend most of my time with Fritzi Hubner. She’s awfully nice, though I did not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and I sit together. For it’s horrid to sit alone on a bench Fritzi knows a good deal already. She would not talk about it at first because it so often leads to trouble. Her brother has told her everything. He’s rather a swell and is called Paul.
January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and Dora and I were allowed to go. I skated with Fritzi and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, one of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a race with 5 other girls. Paul is awfully clever, he says he’s going into the army, the flying corps. That’s even more select than being on the general staff. Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, ought to have gone to the military academy, but his grandfather would not allow it. He is to choose for himself. But of course he will become an officer. Most boys want to be what their father is. But Oswald is perhaps going into the Navy. I wish I knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: Good God, I’m not doing it on my own account. I’m only doing it because of Oswald. The two girls won’t get much out of it.
February 3rd. I’ve just been reading what I wrote about Father. I am wondering what it can be. I think that Father either wants to win the great prize in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. But Dora and I would get something out of that, for it would not belong to Oswald only.
February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. But she said she didn’t know; if it was anything which concerned us, Father would tell us. But it must be something, or Mother would not have told Father in the evening that I had asked. I can’t endure these secrets. Why shouldn’t we know that Father’s going to buy a house. Fritzi’s grandfather has a house in Brunn and another in Iglau. But Fritzi is very simply dressed and her mother too.