How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon
the way, with what happened to them,
and how they were entertained by an Hostess.
Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling he happened to take up a young lad, who had straggled from his parents to play the truant, which Tom perceiving, entertained him into his service; but they had not gone far before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the next place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they demanded what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of Seldom Cleanly's daughters, said there was nothing but eggs, of which, she said, she would make them a froize; and seeing them to come in, in a full breast and an empty stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three or four good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle and rotten, and others ready for to hatch; and having set them down at a certain wash block, which served instead of a table, she set before them as good a froize as any woman possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a little—oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young man fell presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs, swallowing down all by wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail, without any chewing, although they conceited something cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet hunger, which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although it had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled their patience afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it, but like squeezy stomachs they began to cast backwards and forwards; and being in this pitiful pickle, they called for their hostess, who, thinking to receive her reckoning, was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their froize left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fast as a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost her eyesight; which being done, Tom departed without paying anything for his dinner.
Chapter III.
How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,
and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,
but met with as bad Entertainment.
Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse of their dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess; but still conceited that they heard these young chickens which they had eaten in their froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep," and having cast up all again, their bellies began to cry "Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young man, told him they would be sure to have a good host at night, and good fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the collier, out of the frying-pan into the fire; for their new host proved not only a knave, but a thief, and instead of dainty veal, provided for them part of a young colt, which, being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and going to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he would feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything, fed most courageously, having for to please their pallets several kinds of dishes made thereof, the host still crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"—all which they swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And having filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good cheer, they hastened to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on their corpse as they had done upon this new found veal, insomuch that they looked as if they had the smallpox. In the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they missed their coats and other things, which their host had thievishly deprived them of. So, searching the house about, they found hanging in a corner some pieces of flesh, which they supposed to be part of the veal they had eaten of; but by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw plainly it was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of; whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who was committed to prison about their goods, where Tom left him and departed.
Chapter IV.
Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheated
divers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money.
In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but, indeed, a very cheating knave, who, residing there a while, came to be greatly acquainted with divers gentlemen, who, looking on him as one of great account, at last he received several great sums of money which he was to pay at London, upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of exchange, receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some forty, fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well feathered his nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their money where they could get it, he departed beyond sea; and when the gentlemen came to receive their money, they could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat they were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how they were cheated of their money. But their hopes are that they shall have it brought them again by Tom Long the Carrier.
Chapter V.
Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how the
wise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom's
ragged Colt for a Sturgeon.