But here, alas! when I bring to mind the sad consequences that designing men have brought to pass since, from these first innocent undertakings, I am ready to let go that confidence I had, with Job to say: "Till I die, I will not remove my integrity from me; nor shall my heart reproach me so long as I live" [Job xxvii. 5]. But now more fit to take up his Complaint with a little alteration and to say, Why did I not die when I had that hurt? Why did I not give up the ghost when my life was on the confines of the grave? [See Job x. 18.]
But GOD having been pleased thus to give me my life as a prey; I took my journey southward: hoping I might be someway serviceable to the Public. But when I came thither, had it not been in the simplicity of my heart, I could not have supported myself under the frowns and displeasures showed me by those who were disgusted at this alteration; in which many of them were themselves so much concerned: and these did not only outwardly express it, but sought by all means to obstruct my proceedings in this new charge. Who though they could not prevent what the necessity of affairs pressed most to do, viz.: To march speedily out with the Army; yet were we, by them, made so inconsiderable for want of fit and necessary accommodations, as it rather seemed that we were sent to be destroyed and ruined than to do any service for the Kingdom by it. Insomuch as when I went to take my leave of a Great Person [Can this have been Denzil Holles?]; he told me, He was very sorry I was going out with the Army, for he did believe we should be beaten.
Surely then had some of our ends been Self Interest merely, this might have discouraged us: but it working no such effects, gave the more hopes of future success; as it did to the Parliament's advantage. But if any ill use hath been made of such mercies, let the mercies be acknowledged from GOD: but let the abuses receive their due reward of shame and punishment.
Thus, being led on by good success, and clear intentions of a Public Good; some of us could not discern the serpent which was hid in these spreading leaves of so Good Fortune: nor could believe the fruits of our hopes would prove as cockatrice's eggs; from whence so viperous a brood should afterwards spring up.
But, how ill deserving so ever we were: yet still it pleased GOD to give the Army such success in the years [16]45 and [16]46; that there remained in England neither Army nor fortress to oppose the Parliament in settling the peace of the Kingdom.
But this shining mercy soon became clouded with the mists of abominable hypocrisy [and] deceit; even in those men, who had been instrumental in bringing this War to a conclusion. Here was the vertical point on which the Army's honour and reputation turned into reproach and scandal. Here the power of the Army, which I once had, was usurped by the Forerunners of Confusion and Anarchy, viz.: the Agitators. [The Army appointed a Committee of Adjutators on 14th May 1647.]
My Commission as General bound me to act with [the co-operation of my] Council: but the arbitrary and unlimited power of this new Council would act without a General: and all that I could do, could not prevail against this stream; especially when the Parliament itself became divided, so that the pay was withheld from the Army, which heightened their distempers.
Then followed, Free Quarter [in November 1647]; and that brought a general discontent through the whole nation: which gave these factious Agitators matter enough for the carrying on of their designs; viz., To raise their own fortunes by the ruin of others.
But now, being much troubled to see things in this condition, I did rather desire to be a sufferer than to be a Commander: but, before I laid down my Commission, I thought it fit to consult with some friends rather than gratify my private sense and reason, which much desired it; especially having received it from a Public Authority, which might justly expect to have notice of it before I laid it down. Which was the cause of my continuing in the Army longer than I would have done (seeing I could not have my desire granted): which did indeed preserve the Parliament for some time, from those confusions and breakings, which afterwards Time and Confidence emboldened these men to.