PRAYER OF THE UNRIGHTEOUS
We had a new experience the other day (relates a writer in the Atlantic Monthly) when we picked up two boatloads of survivors from the——, torpedoed without warning. I will say they were pretty glad to see us when we bore down on them. As we neared they began to paddle frantically, as though fearful we should be snatched away from them at the last moment. The crew were mostly Arabs and Lascars, and the first mate, a typical comic magazine Irishman, delivered himself of the following: "Sure, toward the last some o' thim haythen gits down on their knees and starts calling on Allah: but I sez, sez I, 'Git up afore I swat ye wid the ax handle, ye benighted haythen; sure if this boat gits saved 't will be the Holy Virgin does it or none at all, at all! Git up,'sez I."
MUCH SIMPLER
For an hour the teacher had dealt with painful iteration on the part played by carbohydrates, proteids, and fats, respectively, in the upkeep of the human body. At the end of the lesson the usual test questions were put, among them: "Can any girl tell me the three foods required to keep the body in health?" There was silence till one maiden held up her hand and replied: "Yer breakfast, yer dinner, and yer supper."
SILENT CONTEMPT
A certain man whose previous record was of the best was charged with a minor offense. Law and evidence were unquestionably on the side of the defense, but when the arguments had been concluded a verdict of "guilty" was given and a fine imposed.
The lawyer for the defense was sitting with his back toward the magistrate. Without changing his position or rising to address the court, he remarked:
"Judge, please fine me for contempt of court."
The magistrate inquired:
"What d'ye mean, sir? You haven't committed contempt."