“Well, Rowton, you’re what I call a pro-gressive business man, that’s what you are. Blest ef he ain’t hired a whole row o’ little niggers to stand out in front of ’is sto’e an’ hold horses—while he takes his customers inside to fleece ’em.
“Come here, Pop-Eyes, you third feller, an’ ketch aholt o’ Jinny’s bridle. I always did like pop-eyed niggers. They look so God-forsaken an’ ugly. A feller thet’s afflicted with yo’ style o’ beauty ought to have favors showed him, an’ that’s why I intend for you to make the first extry to-day. The boy thet holds my horse of a Christmus Eve always earns a dollar. Don’t try to open yo’ eyes no wider—I mean what I say. How did Rowton manage to git you fellers up so early, I wonder. Give out thet he’d hire the first ten that come, did he? An’ gives each feller his dinner an’ a hat.
“I was half afeered you wouldn’t be open yet, Rowton—but I was determined to git ahead o’ the Christmus crowd, an’ I started by starlight. I ca’culate to meet ’em all a-goin’ back.
“Well, I vow, ef yo’ sto’e don’t look purty. Wish she could see it. She’d have some idee of New York. But, of co’se, I couldn’t fetch her to-day, an’ me a-comin’ specially to pick out her Christmus gif’. She’s jest like a child. Ef she s’picions befo’ hand what she’s a-goin’ to git, why, she don’t want it.
“I notice when I set on these soap-boxes, my pockets is jest about even with yo’ cash-drawer, Rowton. Well, that’s what we’re here for. Fetch out all yo’ purties, now, an’ lay ’em along on the counter. You know her, an’ she ain’t to be fooled in quality. Reckon I will walk around a little an’ see what you’ve got. I ain’t got a idee on earth what to buy, from a broach to a barouche. Let’s look over some o’ yo’ silver things, Rowton. Josh Porter showed me a butter-dish you sold him with a silver cow on the led of it, an’ I was a-wonderin’ ef, maybe, you didn’t have another.
“That’s it. That’s a mighty fine idee, a statue like that is. It sort o’ designates a thing. D’rec’ly a person saw the cow, now, he’d s’picion the butter inside the dish. Of co’se, he’d know they wouldn’t hardly be hay in it—no, ez you say, ‘nor a calf.’ No doubt wife’ll be a-wantin’ one o’ these cow-topped ones quick ez she sees Josh’s wife’s. She’ll see the p’int in a minute—of the cow, I mean. But, of co’se, I wouldn’t think o’ gittin’ her the same thing Josh’s got for Helen, noways. We’re too near neighbors for that. Th’ ain’t no fun in borryin’ duplicates over a stile when company drops in sudden, without a minute’s warnin’.
“No, you needn’t call my attention to that tiltin’ ice-pitcher. I seen it soon ez I approached the case. Didn’t you take notice to me a-liftin’ my hat? That was what I was a-bowin’ to, that pitcher was. No, that’s the thing wife hankers after, an’ I know it, an’ it’s the one thing I’ll never buy her. Not thet I’d begrudge it to her—but to tell the truth it’d pleg me to have to live with the thing. I wouldn’t mind it on Sundays or when they was company in the house, but I like to take off my coat, hot days, an’ set around in my shirt-sleeves, an’ I doubt ef I’d have the cheek to do it in the face of sech a thing as that.
“Fact is, when I come into a room where one of ’em is, I sort o’ look for it to tilt over of its own accord an’ bow to me an’ ask me to ‘be seated.’
“You needn’t to laugh. Of co’se, they’s a reason for it—but it’s so. I’m jest that big of a ninny. Ricollec’ Jedge Robinson, he used to have one of ’em—jest about the size o’ this one—two goblets an’ a bowl—an’ when I’d go up to the house on a errand for pa, time pa was distric’ coroner, the jedge’s mother-in-law, ol’ Mis’ Meredy, she’d be settin’ in the back room a-sewin’; an’ when the black gal would let me in the front door she’d sort o’ whisper: ‘Invite him to walk into the parlor and be seated.’ I’d overhear her say it, an’ I’d turn into the parlor, an’ first thing I’d see’d be that ice-pitcher. I don’t think anybody can set down good, noways, when they’re ast to ‘be seated,’ an’ when, in addition to that, I’d meet the swingin’ ice-pitcher half way to the patent rocker, I didn’t have no mo’ consciousness where I was a-settin’ than nothin’. An’ like ez not the rocker’d squawk first strain I put on it. She wasn’t no mo’n a sort o’ swingin’ ice-pitcher herself, ol’ Mis’ Meredy wasn’t—walkin’ round the house weekdays dressed in black silk, with a lace cap on her head, an’ half insultin’ his company thet he’d knowed all his life. I did threaten once-t to tell her, ‘No, thank you, ma’am, I don’t keer to be seated—but I’ll set down ef it’s agreeable,’ but when the time would come I’d turn round an’ there’d be the ice-pitcher. An’ after that I couldn’t be expected to do nothin’ but back into the parlor over the Brussels carpet an’ chaw my hat-brim. But, of co’se, I was young then.
“Reckon you’ve heerd the tale they tell on Aleck Turnbull the day he went there in the old lady’s time. She had him ast into the cushioned sanctuary—an’ Aleck hadn’t seen much them days—an’ what did he do but gawk around an’ plump hisself down into that gilt-backed rocker with a tune-playin’ seat in it, an’, of co’se, quick ez his weight struck it, it started up a jig tune, an’ they say Aleck shot out o’ that door like ez ef he’d been fired out of a cannon. An’ he never did go back to say what he come after. I doubt ef he ever knew.