Hauing therefore thrust your selfe into a case most in fashion (how coarse soeuer the stuffe be, tis no matter so it hold fashion), your office is (if you meane to do your iudgment right) to enquire out those Tauernes which are best customd, whose maisters are oftenest drunk (for that confirmes their taste, and that they choose wholesome wines), and such as stand furthest from ye counters; where, landing yourself and your followers, your first complement shall be to grow most inwardly acquainted with the drawers, to learne their names, as Iack, and Will, and Tom, to diue into their inclinations, as whether this fellow vseth to the Fencing Schoole, this to the Dauncing Schoole; whether that yong coniurer (in Hogsheads) at midnight keepes a Gelding now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he loue dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and Citizen-like quality: and protest your selfe to be extreamely in loue, and that you spend much money in a yeare, vpon any one of those exercises which you perceiue is followed by them. The vse which you shall make of this familiarity is this: If you want money fiue or six daies together, you may still pay the reckoning with this most Gentlemanlike language, Boy, fetch me money from the barre, and keepe yourself most prouidently from a hungry melancholy in your chamber. Besides, you shal be sure (if there be but one fawcet that can betray neate wine to the barre) to haue that arraignd before you, sooner then a better and worthier person.
The first question you are to make (after the discharging of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and the houshold stuffe thereto belonging) shall be for an inuentorie of the Kitchen: for it were / more then most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in league with some Kitchen-wench, to descend your selfe, to offend your stomach with the sight of the Larder, and happily to grease your Accoustrements. Hauing therefore receiued this bill, you shall (like a capten putting vp deere paies) haue many Sallads stand on your table, as it were for blankes to the other more seruiceable dishes: and according to the time of the yeare, vary your fare, as Capon is a stirring meate sometime, Oysters are a swelling meate sometimes, Trowt a tickling meate sometimes, greene Goose, and Woodcock, a delicate meate sometimes, especially in a Tauerne, where you shall sit in as great state as a Church-warden amongst his poore Parishioners, at Pentecost or Christmas.
For your drinke, let not your Physitian confine you to any one particular liquor: for as it is requisite that a Gentleman should not alwaies be plodding in one Art, but rather bee a generall Scholler (that is, to haue a licke at all sorts of learning, and away) so tis not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is a generall peace) to drink any stranger drunke in his owne element of drinke, or more properly in his owne mist language.
Your discourse at the table must be such as that which you vtter at your Ordinary: your behauiour the same, but somewhat more carelesse: for where your expence is great, let your modesty be lesse: and, though you should be mad in a Tauerne, the largenesse of the Items will beare with your inciuility: you may, without prick to your conscience, set the want of your wit against the superfluity and saucines of their reckonings.
If you desire not to be haunted with Fidlers (who by the statute haue as much libertie as Roagues to trauell into any place, hauing the pasport of the house about them) bring then no women along with you: but if you loue the company of all the drawers, neuer sup without your Cockatrice: for, hauing her there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. Enquire what Gallants sup in the next roome, and if they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after the City fashion) send them in a pottle of wine, and your name, sweetned in two pittiful papers of Suger, with some filthy Apology cramd into the mouth of / a drawer; but rather keepe a boy in fee, who vnderhand shall proclaime you in euery roome, what a gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearely in Tauernes, what a great gamester, what custome you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you maintaine a table, what Gentlewomen or Cittizens wiues you can with a wet finger haue at any time to sup with you, and such like. By which Encomiasticks of his, they that know you shall admire you, and thinke themselues to bee brought into a paradice but to be meanely in your acquaintance; and if any of your endeered friends be in the house, and beate the same Iuybush that your selfe does, you may ioyne companies, and bee drunke together most publikly.
But in such a deluge of drinke, take heede that no man counterfeit him selfe drunck, to free his purse from the danger of the shot: tis a usuall thing now amongst gentlemen; it had wont bee the quality of Cocknies: I would aduise you to leaue so much braines in your head as to preuent this. When the terrible Reckoning (like an inditement) bids you hold vp your hand, and that you must answere it at the barre, you must not abate one penny in any particular, no, though they reckon cheese to you, when you haue neither eaten any, nor could euer abide it, raw or toasted: but cast your eie onely vpon the Totalis, and no further; for to trauerse the bill would betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the market, nay more, it would make the Vintners beleeue you were Pater familias, and kept a house; which, I assure you, is not now in fashion.
If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers be as familiar with you as your Barber, and venture their siluer amongst you; no matter where they had it: you are to cherish the vnthriftinesse of such yong tame pigions, if you be a right gentleman: for when two are yoakt together by the purse strings, and draw the Chariot of Madam Prodigalitie, when one faints in the way and slips his hornes, let the other reioice and laugh at him.
At your departure forth the house, to kiss mine Hostis ouer the barre, or to accept of the courtesie of the Celler when tis offered you by the drawers, and you must know that kindnes neuer creepes vpon them, but when they see you almost cleft to the shoulders, or to bid any of the Vintners good night, is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming to laue your face with sweete water.
To conclude, count it an honour, either to inuite or be inuited to any Rifling: for commonly, though you finde much satten there, yet you shall likewise finde many cittizens sonnes, and heirs, and yonger brothers there, who smell out such feasts more greedily then taylors hūt upon sundaies after weddings. And let any hooke draw you either to a Fencers supper, or to a Players that acts such a part for a wager; for by this meanes you shall get experience, by beeing guilty to their abhominable shauing.