The clerk, being an ignorant man, mistook the words, stood up, and shouted to the congregation,—
“Three cheers for the Protestant ladies!” which the congregation immediately took up, and gave three hearty cheers, while the clergyman stood dumfounded.
Half-Truths
Mr. D., an Irish gentleman, was invited to dinner, on one occasion, by a well known Scottish resident, at whose generous table he met quite a number of the host’s countrymen. The conversation turned on Irish bulls, of which one and another repeated several, until the whole company was in a roar of laughter. Our Irish friend kept quiet until his patience was exhausted. Then he blurted out: “Stay, Mr. C., an’ do ye know what I think?” “Why, indeed, what do you think, Mr. D.?” “Shure, sir, and do ye know that I think, indade, that not more than one-half of these lies that they tell about the Irish are true.” This may be said to have “brought down” the table.
The Happening of the Unexpected
A witness was once examined before a Parliamentary Committee with the following result. Sergeant A. (to witness): “And on Thursday, the thirteenth, you say you called on Mr. Jones?” Witness: “I did.” Sergeant A.: “And what did he say?” Sergeant B. objected to this question. Sergeant A. argued that it could be put, and cited several precedents. The juniors hunted up all the cases. Sergeant B. replied at length, and stated his precedents. These arguments lasted two hours. The committee then retired to consider whether the question should be put or not, and after an absence of about an hour they returned, and stated that it might be asked. Up then rose Sergeant A., and said to witness: “And on Thursday, the thirteenth, you say you called on Mr. Jones?” Witness: “I did.” Sergeant A. (with an air of triumph): “And what did he say?” Witness: “He wasn’t at home.” Tableau!
A Great Mind
There are some curious blunders in indexing books. A seeker of knowledge, running his eye down an index through letter B, arrived at the reference, “Best, Mr. Justice, his great mind.” Desiring to be better acquainted with the particulars of this assertion, he turned to the page referred to, and there found, to his entire satisfaction, “Mr. Justice Best said he had a great mind to commit the witness for prevarication.”
Psoriasis
That reverend wag, Sydney Smith, while looking throughout the hot-house of a lady who was very proud of her flowers, and who had a habit of inaccurately using a profusion of botanical terms, inquired of her, “Madam, have you the Septennis psoriasis?” “No,” said she, “I had it last winter, and I gave it to the Archbishop of Canterbury; it came out beautifully in the spring.” For non-medical readers it maybe noted that “Septennis psoriasis” is the seven-year-itch.