It is getting to be a rather serious business for a man to stand up, in these modern days, in a court of justice as a witness. What with impertinent questions of all sorts, and the impudent “bullyragging” of counsel, he is a fortunate and self-possessed man if he is not nearly at his wits' end before he comes off from that place of torture, a witness-stand. “Moreover, and which is more,” as Dogberry would say, when he comes off, he has not escaped; for now the reporters take him up; and in a little paragraph, inclosed in brackets, we hear somewhat of his character, personal appearance, &c., something after the following fashion:
“[Mr. Jenkins is a small, restless, fidgety man, with little black eyes, one of which has a remarkable inward inclination toward the nose, which latter feature of his face turns up slightly, and indicates, by its color, the influence upon it of alcoholic fluids. He is lame of one leg, and wore a drab roundabout. As he left the stand, we observed a patch on the north side of his pantaloons, which evidenced ‘premeditated poverty.’ Mr. Jenkins was an extremely willing witness.”]
If the witness is so fortunate as to escape the foregoing species of counsel, he may fall into the hands of another description; namely, the ambitious young advocate, who, as “the learned counsel,” considers it incumbent upon him to use high-sounding words, in order to impress both the jury and the witness with the extent of his legal acquirements, and the depth of his erudition generally.
Such a “counsel” it was, who, some years ago, in Albany, had assumed the management of the defense in a case of assault and battery which had occurred in that good old Dutch city. The witness, a not over-clear-headed Irishman, was placed upon the stand, where he was thus interrogated:
“Your name, you say, is Maloney?”
“Yes, Si-r-r; Maloney is me name, and me mother's name that bore me; long life to her in the owld counthry!”
“We don't wish to hear any thing of the ‘ould counthry,’ Mr. Maloney,” said the “witty” counsel “Mr. Maloney, do you know my client?”
“Sir?” asked Mr. Maloney, in a monosyllable.
“Do you know this man?” pointing to his client[.]
“Yes, Sir-r-r, I seen him wance-t.”