You bet, when I git growed up big,
Es rich 'n' old as pa,
'N' never haf to go to school,
Nor work nor stand no jaw—
I'll sleep all day and all night, too,
And only jest git up
When I git 'nough sleep to suit me
Ef all the world yells, "You git up!"
By permission of G. W. Dillingham Company.
PRESENTATION OF THE TRUMPET
ANONYMOUS
In the days of the old volunteer fire department there existed in this city a certain hose company noted for the bravery of its foreman, whose reckless daring in time of danger, coupled with his pugilistic attainments, had made him a local celebrity.
The members of his company decided to present him with a handsome silver trumpet, as an expression of their regard and appreciation of his pluck, courage and fighting qualities. One of the members was chosen to prepare a fitting speech for the occasion, and after some weeks of labor announced himself as being thoroughly prepared for the task.
In the meantime, the foreman, who was supposed to be in blissful ignorance of all the preparations being made to surprize him, was let into the "secret" through the kindness of one of the boys. He recognized this as his supreme opportunity to display his literary qualifications in the shape of a speech of acceptance. He secured the services of a literary friend to write a glowing oration, replete with metaphors, similes, and sweet-sounding poetry, expressing his "unworthiness of the honor," the "deep gratitude which words failed him to adequately express," etc.
The night in question at last arrived. The building was filled to overflowing. The band played "See the Conquering Hero Comes," and the boys gave three hearty cheers and a "tiger" for the proud foreman.
The chairman advanced to the front, holding the massive trumpet in one hand, while his other hand grasped convulsively at the collar of his shirt.
After staring around the room and giving a few preparatory coughs, he said:
"Mr. Foreman, and Members of Hose Company Number 10: I—a—a—I—a—I——(Looks hard at the floor. Begins again with great determination.) Mr. Foreman, and Members of Hose Company Number 10: I—a—a—I—a—feel—I feel a——(Puts one hand in his pocket and looks very foolish. Begins again, shouting, and looking very angry.) Mr. Foreman, and Members of Hose Company Number 10: I—I—I—I feel a—much a pleas——(Word sticks in his throat. Very angrily, and striding toward the foreman.) Ah! take your trumpet!"