[82.] In Queene Elizabeths dayes there was a fellow that wore a brooch in his hat, like a tooth drawer, with a Rose and Crowne and two letters: this fellow had a warrant from the Lord Chamberlaine at that time to travell with an exceeding brave Ape which hee had; whereby hee gat his living from time to time at markets and fayres: his Ape did alwayes ride upon a mastiffe dog, and a man with a drum to attend him. It happened that these foure travellers came to a towne called Looe in Cornwall, where the Inne being taken, the drum went about to signifie to the people that at such an Inne was an Ape of singular vertue and quality, if they pleased to bestow their time and money to see him. Now the townsmen, being honest labouring Fishers, and other painfull functions, had no leasure to waste either time or coyne in Ape tricks, so that no audience came to the Inne, to the great griefe of Jack an Apes his Master; who, collecting his wits together, resolved to adventure to put a tricke upon the towne, whatsoever came of it; whereupon hee took pen, inke, and paper and wrote a warrant to the Mayor of the towne as followeth.
These are to will and require you, and every of you, with your wives and families, that upon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape, for it is an Ape of ranke and quality, who is to be practised throughout her Majesties dominions, that by his long experience amongst her loving subjects, hee may bee the better enabled to doe her Majesty service hereafter; and hereof faile you not, as you will answer the contrary. &c.
This warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a shoomaker at the furthest end of the towne to read it; which when he heard, hee sent for all his brethren, who went with him to the Towne Hall to consult upon this waighty businesse. Where after they had sate a quarter of an houre, no man saying any thing, nor any man knowing what to say; at last a young man that never had borne any office, said, Gentlemen, if I were fit to speake, I thinke (without offence, under correction of the Worshipfull) that I should soone decide this businesse; to whom the Mayor said, I pray good neighbour speake, for though you never did beare any office here, yet you may speake as wisely as some of us. Then sir, said the young man, my opinion is that this Ape carrier is a gybing scoffing knave, and one that doth purpose to make this towne a jesting mocking stocke throughout the whole Kingdome: for was it ever knowne that a fellow should be so impudent audacious, as to send a Warrant without either name or date, to a Mayor of a towne, to the Queenes Lieutenant, and that he with his brethren, their wives and families should be all commanded to come before a Jack an Apes? My counsell is, that you take him and his Ape, with his man, and his dog, and whip the whole messe or murrinal[248] of them out of the towne, which I thinke will be much for your credit if you doe.
At which words a grave man of the towne being much moved, said, My friend, you have spoken little better than treason, for it is the Queene's Ape, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said master Mayor, I muse who bad that saucy fellow come into our Company, I pray thee, my friend, depart; I thinke you long to have us all hanged. So in briefe hee was put out of the doores, for they were no company for him. Well now, what is to bee done in this matter? Marry (said another Senior) wee see by the Brooch in the mans hat that hee is the Queenes man, and who knowes what power a knave may have in the Court, to doe poore men wrong in the Country, let us goe and see the Ape, it is but two pence a peece, and no doubt but it will be well taken, and if it come to the Queenes eare, shee will thinke us kinde people that would shew so much duty to her Ape, what may shee thinke wee would doe to her Beares if they came hither? besides, it is above 200 miles to London, and if wee should bee complained on and fetched up with Pursinants,[249] whereas now every man may escape for his two pence, Ile warrant it would cost us ten groats a peece at the least. This counsell passed currant, and all the whole drove of the townsmen, with wives and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a table with a chaine about his necke, to whom, master Mayor (because it was the Queenes Ape) put off his hat, and made a leg, but Jacke let him passe unregarded. But mistris Mayoresse comming next in her cleane linnen, held her hands before her belly, and like a woman of good breeding, made a low curtsie, whilest Jacke, (still Court-like) although (he) respected not the man, yet to expresse his courtesie to his wife, hee put forth his paw towardes her, and made a mouth, which the woman perceiving, said, Husband, I doe think in my Conscience that the Queenes Ape doth mock mee: whereat Jacke made another mouth at her, which master Mayor espying, was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou Ape, I doe see thy saucinesse, and if the rest of the courtiers have no more manners than thou hast then they have all bin better fed than taught: and I will make thee know before thou goest from hence, that this woman is my wife, an ancient woman, and a midwife, and one that might bee thy mother for age.
In this rage master Mayor went to the Inne doore, where Jack an Apes tutor was gathering of money, to whom hee said, Sir, doe you allow your Ape to abuse my Wife? No sir, quoth the other, not by any meanes; truly, said the Mayor, there is witnesse enough within that have seene him make mops and mowes at her, as if shee were not worthy to wipe his shooes, and I will not so put it up. Jack's tutor replyed, Sir, I will presently give him condigne punishment; and straight hee tooke his Flanders blade, his Whip, and holdinge his Ape by the chaine, hee gave him halfe a dozen jerks, which made his teeth daunce in his head like so many Virginal Jackes:[250] Which master Mayor perceiving, ranne to him, and held his hands, saying, enough, enough, good Sir, you have done like a Gentleman, let mee intreat you not to give correction in your wrath; and I pray you and your Ape after the Play is done, to come to my house and sup with mee and my wife.
[248] Or all four of them. A corruption of murnival or mournival. The "Compleat Gamester" says, "A Mournival is either all the aces, the four kings, queens or knaves, and a gleck is three of any of the aforesaid."
[249] Pursuivants
[250] A jack was usually made of pear tree, and rested on the back end of the key lever. It had a movable tongue of holly working in a centre and kept in its place by a bristle spring. A thorn or spike of crow quill projects at right angles from the tongue. On the key being depressed, the jack is forced upwards, and the quill is brought to the string, which it twangs in passing. Queen Elizabeth's virginal has fifty jacks and quills.
[17.] King James keeping his Court at Theobalds,[251] in a time of some contagion, divers Constables with their watchmen were set at several places to hinder the concourse of people from flocking thither, without some necessary occasion: Amongst others, one Gentleman (being somewhat in the Garb of a Serving man) was examined what Lord he belonged unto? To which he readily replyed, To the Lord Jehovah: which words being beyond the Constables understanding, he asked his Watchmen, if they knew any such Lord? They replyed No—: However the Constable being unwilling to give distast, said, Well, let him pass, notwithstanding; I believe it is some Scottish Lord or other.