There is a public college, or hospital, whither they are sent who have got the dropsy, gout, or asthma, by their eating and drinking; and there they are nourished at the public expense. As for such as have lost their teeth by their luxury, or broken them by eating too greedily or incautiously, they are provided for in the island of Sorbonia. All the richer sort have several servants, in the nature of vassals, to cultivate their gardens, and be employed in inferior offices, who have their liberty when they can arrive at such a bulkiness. If any of the grandees of the country die of a surfeit, he is given, as being all made up of the most exquisite dainties, to be eaten up by his servants; and this they do that nothing should be lost that is so delicate. The men are thick and fat to a miracle; nor will any one salute another whose chin does not come to the midst of his breast, and his paunch falls to his knees. The women are not unlike them, and in shape resemble the Italians, and have breasts like the Hottentots. They go almost naked, having no regard to their garments. The magistrates and persons of better figure have gowns made of the skins of such beasts as they have eaten at one meal. All wear a knife, with a large spoon, hanging upon their right arm. Before their breasts they wear a smooth skin, instead of a napkin, to receive what falls out of their mouths, and to wipe them upon occasion; which whether it be more black or greasy, is hard to determine.
They are of a very slow apprehension, and no way fit for any science; but yet understand such arts as they have occasion for. Their schools are public-houses, where they are educated in the sciences of eating, drinking, and carving; over which, one Archisilenius, an exquisite Epicure, was then provost, who, instead of grammar, read some fragments of Apicius. Instead of a library, there is a public repository of drinking-vessels, in which cups of all orders and sizes are disposed into certain classes. Cups and dishes are instead of books. The younger scholars have less, the elder have greater; one has a quart, the other a pottle, the other a gallon: this has a hen, that a goose, a third a lamb or a porker: nor have they any liberty, or recess, till the whole is finished; and if by a seven years' stuffing they are no proficients in fatness, are presently banished into the Fancetic Islands; nor are they suffered long to stay there idle and without improvement. Hither likewise are sent all physicians who prescribe a course of diet to any person. When any one is sick, without recourse to Æsculapius, they make him eat radish, and drink warm water; which, according to Celsus, will purge and vomit him. Venison is that which they most delight in; but they never take it in hunting, but by nets and gins. They look upon the swine as the most profitable and best of all animals; whether it is for the likeness of its manners, as being good for nothing but the table, or else from its growing fat on the sudden with the worst of nutriment. It may not seem credible, yet parsimony appears in the midst of their profuseness: but then it is very ill placed, for it is in crumbs, bones, and crusts. They do not so much as keep any dogs, cats, hawks, or anything that eats flesh. If any person suffer meat to stink, he is impaled; but venison and rabbits are to have the haut-gout: and then their cheese is kept till it is overrun with little animals, which they devour with mustard and sugar. This is an odd sort of custom, derived from the Dutch.
The country abounds with rivers, which ebb and flow according to their digestion, and generally overflow at the beginning of January, and towards the end of February, and do mischief to the neighbouring country.
CHAPTER VII.
Of the Wars of the Pamphagonians.
The Pamphagones have perpetual wars with the Hambrians, or the Fancetic Islands, and the Frugonians.
Cætera desunt.
THE END.