204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly. Shifts, Madam, replies he, D—— me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day?
205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for Forgery: Ay, says he, what is Forgery? They answered him, that Forgery was counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.
206. Master Johnny sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing, cry'd, Be quiet, Mr. John, I'll throw this Stone at your Head, else. Ay, Child, says he, and I'll fling two at your Tail if you do.
207. When the Prince of Orange came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be essay'd in the Tower, and five of them prov'd Prince's Metal.
208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert? So I would, says he, if he had run at me with his Tail.
209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord Rochester, and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the Night, Killegrew came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our Faults: No, Faith, says Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of.
210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the Ceremony was performing, old Gripewell falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; Indeed, crys he, I can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my Word.
211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her to a Husband. At length he came to her, Now Madam, says he, I have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will furnish out a Table well. Phoo, says the Lady, your Mind's ever running on your Belly; No, says he, 'tis sometimes running o'yours you see.
212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed, desired her Husband, That as she had brought him a Fortune she might have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her Relations: No, by G—d, Madam, says he, You had your Will, all your Life-time, and now I'll have mine.
213. When the Lord Jefferies, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; Jefferies, after his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the Countryman smartly reply'd, Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too.