1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises of talents that were never accomplished. One day he had given some offence to his royal mother, and was remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After what the queen thought a sufficient duration of his punishment, she sent for him. He returned in a very sullen humour. What have you been doing? said the queen. Reading. What book? The New Testament. Very well: what part? Where it is said, Woman, why troublest thou me?
1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the book out of the curate’s hands, with great scorn, cried, You the resurrection! “I am the resurrection”—and then went on.
1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and the empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome princess of her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, Madam, I thought so yesterday.
1034. The spretæ injuria formæ is the greatest with a woman. A man of rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked, Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them.
1035. Wit, or even what the French term esprit, seems little compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a great egotist, and thought of nothing but himself. One of his old acquaintances went one day to see him at his country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of dinner. What shall we have? Do you like asparagus? said Fontenelle. If you please; but with oil. Oil! I prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees with me, replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with oil. Fontenelle then went out to give his orders; but on his return, found his poor acquaintance dead of an apoplexy. Running to the head of the stairs, he called out, Cook! dress the ’sparagus with sauce.
1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some of his comrades stay behind him at church, asked them, on their coming out, what was the reason? They told him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with some wine. No other liquor? said the fellow. Seeing he swallowed the bait, they answered, that he might have what liquor he chose. Next Sunday he stayed to have his share; and when the clergyman offered him the wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of salutation, and said modestly, Please your reverence, I should prefer punch.
1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his testament: he had remembered all his domestics, except his steward; I shall leave him nothing, said he, because he has served me these twenty years.
1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked Langlois, the advocate, why he so often burdened himself with bad causes? My lord, answered the advocate, I have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled which to take.
1039. Mr. Pitt’s plan, when he had the gout, was to have no fire in his room, but to load himself with bed-clothes. At his house at Hayes he slept in a long room, at one end of which was his bed, and his lady’s at the other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of Newcastle had fallen into any mistake, to send for him, and read him a lecture. The duke was sent for once, and came, when Mr. Pitt was confined to bed by the gout. There was, as usual, no fire in the room; the day was very chilly, and the duke, as usual, afraid of catching cold. The duke first sat down on Mrs. Pitt’s bed as the warmest place; then drew up his legs into it, as he got colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable time, the duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. Pitt’s bed-clothes. A person, (who related the story to Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in, saw the two ministers in bed, at the two ends of the room; while Pitt’s long nose, and black beard unshaved for some days, added to the grotesqueness of the scene.