205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller, I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things, giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked, How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet. Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was long.
206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I’ll banter him a little. Doctor, said he, you don’t follow the example of your great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really, sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to.
207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King Charles the Second’s time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it, without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to bait at.
208. A rich farmer’s son, who had been bred at the University, coming home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man. Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well, answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.
209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why, said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your answer, cried the lawyer, ’till I know what you can swear? Pshaw, replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear to it.
210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market, was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs, those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox’s leave, those chickens will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she, comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I’ll answer, Thank you, neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I’ll say, Thank you. Oh! but suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they’ll say, Your servant, madam, but then I’ll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband.
211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied Daniel, I think I know him, but I can’t swear to him.
212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat; at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton.
213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James’s gate one day, which being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly; Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend at court.
214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other, poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in prison.