224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original.
225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury, and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can be little better than felo de se.
226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.
227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t consider.
228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a liver can die well?
229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.
230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly, Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it.
231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly there is no profit to be had from it any other way.
232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us? where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so, said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a hobnail before, replied he.
233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money. Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.