261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him, Where he lived? Where do I live—said he, I don’t know; but I starve down towards Wapping and that way.
262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on the road, and thinking to break a joke upon him, asked him, Why his fore-horse was so fat and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the law, answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and the rest were his clients.
263. At a cause tried at the King’s Bench bar, a witness was produced who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, a good impudent fellow, being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was sworn—Well, let’s hear what you have to say with your copper nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face.
264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing through one of the Inns of Chancery, from some of the impudent clerks, he was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly; and coming before him, accosted him in the following manner: I have been grossly abused here by some of the rascals of this house, and understanding you are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it.
265. An old roundhead in Oliver’s time, complaining of some heavy rain that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the king reigns.
266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had once need of an ass.
267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a bookseller’s shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked him, What there was in that book that made him smile? Why, answered the other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack. Is it so? said he, pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had had such an honour done me: upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be Perkin’s Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons.
268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, notwithstanding his merit, was deserted, and his opera at the Hay-Market neglected almost by everybody but his Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln’s-Inn-Fields; at this time another nobleman asking the earl of C——d if he would go one night to the opera? My lord asked, Which? Oh, to that in the Hay-Market, answered the other. No, my lord, said the earl, I have no occasion for a private audience of his majesty to-night.
269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, Ecce conniculi multi. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him—Who, said he, would have thought that the conies understood Latin?
270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?