358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to examine his young catechumens, and the bell tolling for prayers, he was obliged to leave a game of all-fours unfinished, in which he had the advantage; but told his antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see him out. Now for fear any tricks should be played with the cards in his absence, he put them in his cassock; and asking one of the children how many commandments there were, which the boy not readily answering, by accident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve; he had the presence of mind to bid the boy take it up, and tell him what card it was; which he readily did: when turning to the parents of the child, Are you not ashamed, said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare of your children, as not to teach them their commandments? I suspected your neglect, and brought this card with me, to detect your immorality, in teaching your children to know their cards before their commandments.
359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room, and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out, crying, I beg, sir, you’ll make no stranger of me.
360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday. The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, “Blessed are they,” &c., made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may fare well, &c., &c.
361. The Rev. Mr. B—n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The facetious Mr. B—d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him, and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged to Mr. G——, and that he might have it again; then falling on his knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord’s Prayer, but with such a tone as affrighted the ship’s crew; on which the captain running down, desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life.
362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh—d, of the King’s Bench in Ireland, being esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C—d and B—t but very indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is a figure of one, and two ciphers.
363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an act of parliament against stripping of Ash.
364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones.
365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth, having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife, after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if ever he found him there again, he’d throw his hat out of the window. Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing himself at his majesty’s feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the man’s hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so? replied the king: well, my word is passed.
366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own.
367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.