378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a falsehood as I did.
379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead the merriest life of any man in Christendom.
380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at liberty.
381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what will then become of my lord the archbishop?
382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour, yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.
383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius, that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.
384. Dr. M—d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir, replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do won’t lend me a farthing.
385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But, said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have been dangerous.
386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we had but a mock fight.
387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth, brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.