435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world.
436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again.
437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen enough to bribe the jury.
438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them; and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at whose suit?
439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.
440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, had a lady who was reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen, when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to account, my Lord B—ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well, madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you’ll come, I hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn.
441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought well skilled in. And why don’t you, when you hear any one abuse your husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the lady, I don’t intend to spit myself into a consumption.
442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr. Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a caldron of coals.
443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300l. a year, sent his chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said, he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that; and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the neighbourhood, but—— But! replied the archbishop, what but can there be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his pipe at the gate of his house.
444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the other a cheesemonger’s (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.