463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word, that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is true, or else you are undone.

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired effect—she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on.

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same fruit!

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.

467. The late Earl of S— kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the basket.

468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say if he don’t come?

469. A tailor’s boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long remnants.

470. The renowned Mr. Wh—n, the famous astronomer, had made a calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half the time.

471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome, cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish we were well gone too.

472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich (the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it, with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come in.