558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the street. No, no, said he, I’ll have nothing to do with you; I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.
559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life. Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass.
560. A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognised by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I can: they tell me it is good for the rheumatis.
561. A dancer said to another person, You cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can. True, answered the other, but a goose can.
562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be admitted on the stage. As a specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet,
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Quin, indignant at the man’s absurd elocution, exclaimed, very decisively, No question, upon my honour; not to be, most certainly.
563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that the rope might be tied under his arms instead of round his neck; for, said Pat, I am so remarkably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly kill myself with laughing.
564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing Cross, where he left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride; but no—Mordecai knew the use of time and the value of money a little better;—he was letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the Horse Guards and back!