585. A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honour as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel; but just as he came to the Porter’s Lodge an empty hearse came by; on which his lordship’s antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, called out to the driver, Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I’ll send you a fare. This operated so strongly on his lordship’s nerves that he begged the officer’s pardon, and returned home with a whole skin.
586. A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired, previous to his departure, to have his bill; which being brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to his servant’s account, and questioned him about having had so many bottles of wine. Please yer honour, cried Pat, read how many they charge me. The gentleman began, One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto. Stop, stop, stop, master, exclaimed Paddy, they are cheating you; I know I had some bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto.
587. A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further enhanced with this N.B. There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood.
588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, he scratched his head, and said, Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what would your honour have me tell him?
589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post Office, and inquired whether there were any letters for him; the clerk asked for his address. Sure, said he, you will find it on the back of the letter.—A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk asked his name; he replied, What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any gentleman’s name? Give me my letter, that’s all you have to do!
590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend.
591. An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock: God be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me; God bless the world, and success to the British navy.
592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. There is one from Hamlet, said the wit, that will match you to a button-hole, “List, list; oh! list.”
593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life.