706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George III., it was announced that his majesty’s horse was ready to start for hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he bears the best of characters!
707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to the counsellor, luckily for me, has none.
708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ.
709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a certain witty duchess.
710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.
711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace’s society in Edinburgh? Oh! said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, I won’t rise to-day.
712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting with the body of the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the serjeant then being near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the men of the law of your younger years. I should have outlived even the law itself, replied the serjeant, if your highness had not arrived.
713. When Skelton published his ‘Deism Revealed,’ the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? Oh yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long a curate in your diocese, was the reply.
714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom, said a by-stander. Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom?
715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner was good, the wines delicious; and the poet having freely partaken of both, began to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. When the hour came for the bishop’s going to church, he shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, It is time to start, Malherbe:—you know I am to preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where I am.