56. An arch wag, of St. John’s College, asked another of the same College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author called Go-Clenius.
57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in the beginning of King William’s reign, on a very rainy day, a hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, won’t you please to take coach? it rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to take coach in.
58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the commonwealth are on different sides.
59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges, died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.
60. Mr. Serjeant G——d, being lame of one leg, and pleading before Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove everything as plain as the nose on your face.
61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer, replied he.
62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope’s chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight: whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront, and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell.
63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend’s house, the first thing that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he? said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.—I would not have any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a friend’s house.
64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him, that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other.
65. The Chaplain’s boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why, answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said the first, there’s some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard.