The Regent of the Orchids’ Club,
Had written on the window-sill,
This shocking outrage—“Beacon H—ll!”
In “The Burgess Nonsense Book”
Of the countless good stories attributed to Artemus Ward, the best one, perhaps, is one which tells of the advice which he gave to a Southern railroad conductor soon after the war. The road was in a wretched condition, and the trains were consequently run at a phenomenally low rate of speed. When the conductor was punching his ticket, Artemus remarked:
“Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they do so in a respectful manner?”
The conductor replied in gruff tones that he guessed so.
“Well,” Artemus went on, “it occurred to me that it would be well to detach the cowcatcher from the front of the engine and hitch it to the rear of the train, for you see we are not liable to overtake a cow, but what’s to prevent a cow from strolling into this car and biting a passenger?”