With gorgeous tapestries of pictured joys,
Joy behind joy, in endless perspective!’
“My whole life had been almost such a dream, mixed, it is true, with many causeless and culpable anxieties. Blessed with all that could render life a state of happiness, the most perfect description of it, domestic happiness, I never once considered the certainty that a few years must end it, but allowed myself to be as much absorbed in the contemplation of it as though this life were all in all. With a full and perfect conviction upon my mind of the truths of our holy religion, of the promises of the gospel, still I found the charms of this world capable of taking entire possession of me. How differently do I now view it. Affliction only can clear away the mist from before our eyes, and enable us to distinguish the fleeting and chequered enjoyments of this world, from the real and never ending felicity which can only be attained in that which is to come.
“26th September, 1818.—Nearly fourteen months have now elapsed since the departure of your beloved mother, and eight since the tidings reached me of our dear Jervis having followed her to the realms of bliss. During the whole period of my life I do not remember any to have passed with more entire tranquillity than this season of affliction, or with more consistency of reflection.
“When I am suffering most from depression of mind, and the mournful contemplation of my widowed state, I can readily trace these gloomy feelings to their source; and find them to have taken possession of me, as the world renews its cares and influence, and renders the view of eternity less distinct than when seen through that pass by which your beloved mother and brother have entered into it.
“24th September, 1820.—A long interruption has here occurred, my darling children, and prevented for many months the continuance of an employment, which had not only become most deeply interesting, but in a manner sacred; as its intention was to keep alive in your minds the remembrance of your mother’s virtues, and to lead you to cherish them in your hearts, as so many delightful and irresistible examples for your own conduct. The interruption has not only been long, but very nearly final, from the severe illness by which it was occasioned; but a kind and merciful Providence has, in addition to innumerable mercies and blessings, brought me through this trial, and restored me, if not to health, at least to the capability of resuming my former occupations.
“It has often occurred to me whilst lying on the bed of sickness, that the reflections necessarily suggested by such a state, if accurately recorded, would not only be of the greatest value to the sufferer, should he be permitted to recover, but also of inestimable benefit to many who might have escaped such experience; and it most forcibly struck me, as a most appropriate subject for this journal, in which I hope, my dear children, you will continue to derive religious instructions from your affectionate parents, long after the period in which they will have been called away from you. Here under the influence of the most tender associations and recollections, you will find yourselves assured that the hour of affliction is rarely, if ever, without its sources of alleviation; to the sincere Christian, I may add with confidence, never.
“My illness was occasioned by cold, and violent inflammation in my wound, which had been closed for upwards of four years. This led to the formation of an extensive abscess, which for some days kept me in a very dangerous state; it confined me to my bed for several weeks, and for six months has reduced me to the state of a cripple, in which I must expect to remain for some time longer. I do not remember during any period of my illness to have considered the danger imminent, but I feel a comfort in the recollection that I had no considerable anxiety, or any afflicting thoughts, even in the most alarming moments. But I had many serious and salutary reflections, for which I hope to be the better during the remainder of my days. The retrospect of the last years of my life did not afford me the consolation and confidence which I had so often and so presumptuously flattered myself it would have done. On the contrary, it brought the most unanswerable evidence that I had been living in error and vanity, in a system of Christianity very different from that laid down by our blessed Saviour. This was the light in which I began to view the last, and what I had arrogantly considered the meritorious part of my conduct; but how innumerable were the instances, or rather how constant was the practice of my ‘living without God in the world.’ How entirely did I find that I had devoted myself to this life, and how faint were the impressions of the life to come. And yet I had been in the habit of considering myself so certain of salvation, as to look forward to death as the only source of consolation for the affliction I had experienced in the loss of your sainted parent and brother. Such a confidence is indeed a delightful one if it be properly and rightly sustained; and if it can be rationally indulged, is certain of being efficacious under the heaviest pressure of worldly misery. But it is not to be attained so easily as we are frequently induced to imagine, by dividing our affections between this world and the world to come; or rather by paying a formal heartless worship to God, whilst all our thoughts are occupied in our worldly treasures, in those we have lost, or in those we still possess or fear to lose. Could we bring ourselves to say with real sincerity of heart and perfect resignation, ‘Thy holy will be done;’ could we devote the remainder of our lives to Him, who gives and takes away, as infinite wisdom suggests; could we enjoy the blessings of this life with gratitude, but look forward with hope, delight, and confidence to the divine promises for eternal happiness, then indeed we might say, ‘O! death where is thy sting, O! grave where is thy victory!’ We might then say with the excellent and pious Doddridge, that ‘the cords of affection which would have tied us to the earth, and have added new pangs to our removal from it, are become as a golden chain to draw us upward, and add one further charm and joy to even paradise itself.’ This most desirable, most pleasant state of mind can never be gained by our own unassisted exertions. This is a truth which cannot be too frequently repeated to us. Thousands have sought for it in vain. To obtain it, we must unreservedly give ourselves to our blessed Redeemer, and seek for comfort through His divine atonement. My frame of mind previous to this illness had been very different. I thought less of the awful deficiency, which must appear when I should be called upon to render an account of the talent which had been committed to my charge, than of my fancied superiority over such of my fellow creatures as were openly disobeying the commandments of God; and like the self-righteous Pharisee, I felt, if I did not express, my self-gratulation in not being as the ‘Publican;’ little reflecting, that he might be inwardly struggling against an evil nature, performing acts of virtue unknown to all but his Creator, and depending solely for help and pardon on Him, who says, ‘whosoever cometh unto me I will in no ways cast out.’ Reflections such as these could have no effect in inspiring confidence or hope, when on the confines of death, or in bearing up the spirit to sustain its infirmities; they were consequently rejected as productive rather of despair than consolation. I am happy to say, they were as transitory as useless, and that I turned at once to Him, who alone could give me peace, to our blessed Saviour and Redeemer. His words appeared to be instantly verified. I felt the burden with which I was ‘weary and heavy laden,’ at once removed, and that I could cast my care on Him. I prayed for strength of mind to conquer my worldly feelings and propensities; for gratitude for all the blessings vouchsafed to me, but above all for that most stupendous sacrifice, by which I was redeemed from sin and misery; that it might bring forth in me the most perfect resignation to the Divine Will, the most perfect trust and confidence in God; the most unbounded and indefatigable charity to my fellow creatures. If I am still without the object of this prayer, yet I have the comfort of knowing, that I am much more sensible of my deficiencies; and that I do daily and constantly indulge the humble hope, that I shall be graciously assisted in conquering the remaining depravities and corruptions of my nature.
“Blessed with all that could render life a state of happiness, the most perfect description of it, domestic happiness; I never once considered the certainty that a few years must end it, but allowed myself to be as much absorbed in the contemplation of it as though this life were all in all. With a full and perfect conviction upon my mind of the truths of our Holy Religion, and of the promises of the gospel, still I found the charms of this world capable of taking entire possession of me. How differently do I now view it. Affliction only can clear away the mist from our eyes, and enable us to distinguish the fleeting and chequered enjoyments of this world, from the real and never ending felicity which can only be attained in that which is to come.”
In allusion to the death of his wife and his son—“Those events which in the course of my life have appeared the most unpromising, and have been attended with the most anxiety, have frequently and generally proved the sources of comfort and happiness. The two heavy dispensations, which have lately befallen me, cannot have such consequences in this world; but I fervently and humbly trust they may be the means of preparing me for eternal happiness in the next, by awakening me from an attachment to the things of this life, which almost exclusively occupied my thoughts. The more innocent the affections, the more we are inclined to indulge them, and the less do we perceive our danger of being drawn away from God. But the Almighty in his wisdom and mercy knew what was best for me. He has afflicted me, and I humbly implore his Holy Spirit to give me perfect resignation to his Divine will. How keen would have been my grief for the loss of so promising a child as your brother Jervis, at such an age, and whom I had fondly contemplated as my successor and representative, if I had only thought of him in a worldly point of view. But seeing him as I do, disposed of by Divine wisdom, I resign him into the hands of his Maker. It is true, he will never more come to me, but I humbly trust I shall go to him. May worldly wisdom grow every day more insignificant in your eyes, my dear children; at least such wisdom as is so generally sought for. You will soon attain the delightful experience, that even for success, prosperity, and happiness in this world, Divine Wisdom is all in all.”