Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that tinned French Coffee chap—I forget his name—for advertisement. If you can, get some soft soap into the prospectus, Pears’ should be safe for at least £100.
The advantages of the Quill Toothpick Attachment must be apparent to the meanest capacity. For instance, a man is invited out to dine, and finds himself in danger of being poisoned. He pulls out a Toothpick charged with the desired drink, and the morning headache is avoided. Ten thousand Toothpicks charge with - - - - -
Charge £50 for this advertisement.
wonderful brand of champagne will be distributed gratis to the female leaders of society, and it is anticipated that the use of toothpicks will soon become common to both sexes at every meal. As a further development it is anticipated that hosts will soon cease altogether to provide bottled drinks for their guests, and in place thereof will lay in quantities of Toothpicks charged by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will in all cases be absolutely guaranteed to be what they are, and this the Directors distinctly guarantee it is impossible to dispute.
The prospects of the Company are exceedingly brilliant. Professor Figuritout has been specially feed for the compilation of the following startling statistics:
“The population of the world,” says the learned Professor, “is in round figures ,000,000,000,” and the Professor stakes his reputation that 00·000 per cent. uses a Toothpick.
Fill in at discretion.
The Company hope to make very large profits out of the Toothpicks themselves, and will at once proceed to open negotiations for the purchase of farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America for the cultivation of the Anser Vulgaris, or common goose.
The Anser Vulgaris flourishes everywhere, and by gentle persuasion readily and painlessly parts with its feathers, in fact it generally takes some time to discover that anything is wrong. The gander parts less readily, and as a rule the feathers are small and so few in number as to be hardly worth plucking.
There is another well-known and exceedingly strong feathered breed of goose (Anser Stockexchangeiensis) frequenting the numerous runs adjacent Capel Court. This breed parts with no persuasion, in fact at times it courts being plucked, but it has a nasty habit of shortly wanting back again all its own feathers and as many of other people’s as it can possibly grab hold of. Sometimes, but not often, it loses nearly every feather it has got, and then it gently hisses, and horribly blasphemes.”