Maria Weston Chapman: ‘Memorials of Harriet Martineau.’ (‘Autobiography,’ vol. ii.)
Early religious feeling.
Intensely religious I certainly was from a very early age. The religion was of a bad sort enough, as might be expected from the urgency of my needs; but I doubt whether I could have got through without it. I pampered my vain-glorious propensities by dreams of divine favor, to make up for my utter deficiency of self-respect; and I got rid of otherwise incessant remorse by a most convenient confession and repentance, which relieved my nerves without at all, I suspect, improving my conduct.... While I was afraid of everybody I saw, I was not in the least afraid of God.... The Sundays began to be marked days, and pleasantly marked, on the whole. I do not know why crocuses were particularly associated with Sunday at that time, but probably my mother might have walked in the garden with us some early spring Sunday. My idea of heaven was of a place gay with yellow and lilac crocuses. My love of gay colors was very strong.... The Octagon Chapel at Norwich [Unitarian], has some curious windows in the roof; not skylights, but letting in light indirectly. I used to sit staring up at those windows, and looking for angels to come for me and take me to heaven, in sight of all the congregation,—the end of the world being sure to happen while we were at chapel. I was thinking of this, and of the hymns, the whole of the time, it now seems to me. It was very shocking to me that I could not pray at chapel. I believe that I never did in my life. I prayed abundantly when I was alone, but it was impossible to do it in any other way, and the hypocrisy of appearing to do so was a long and sore trouble to me.
Finds Milton at seven.
Shakespeare at thirteen.
When I was seven years old, ... I was kept from chapel one Sunday afternoon by some ailment or other. When the house door closed behind the chapel-goers I looked at the books on the table. The ugliest-looking of them was turned down open, and my turning it up was one of the leading incidents of my life. That plain, clumsy, calf-bound volume was ‘Paradise Lost,’ and the common bluish paper, with its old-fashioned type, became as a scroll out of heaven to me. The first thing I saw was “Argument,” which I took to mean a dispute, and supposed to be stupid enough, but there was something about Satan cleaving Chaos which made me turn to the poetry; and my mental destiny was fixed for the next seven years. That volume was henceforth never to be found but by asking me for it, till a young acquaintance made me a present of a little Milton of my own. In a few months, I believe, there was hardly a line in ‘Paradise Lost’ that I could not have instantly turned to. I sent myself to sleep by repeating it; and when my curtains were drawn back in the morning, descriptions of heavenly light rushed into my memory. I think this must have been my first experience of moral relief through intellectual resource. I am sure I must have been somewhat happier from that time forward.... My beloved hour of the day was when the cloth was drawn, and I stole away from the dessert and read Shakespeare by firelight, in winter, in the drawing-room. My mother was kind enough to allow this breach of good family manners; and again, at a subsequent time, when I took to newspaper reading very heartily. I have often thanked her for this forbearance since. Our newspaper was the Globe, in its best days, when, without ever mentioning Political Economy, it taught it, and viewed public affairs in its light.... I was all the while becoming a political economist without knowing it, and, at the same time, a sort of walking concordance of Milton and Shakespeare.
Political Economy at fifteen.
Harriet Martineau: ‘Autobiography.’