“He lately stood for Wycombe, but there Colonel Grey did lick him, he being parcel Tory and parcel Radical—which is what in general mad we call; and the latest affair of his we chanced to see, is ‘What is he?’ a question which, by this time, we have somewhat answered in this our pedestrian rhyme. As for the rest,—but writing rhyme is, after all, a pest; and therefore”——

MISCELLANEOUS ODDS AND ENDS.

Some years ago Punch gave “revised versions” of a few of the old popular songs, and, referring to the one we have chosen as a specimen, says that “its simplicity, its truthfulness, and, above all, its high moral, have recommended it to him for selection. It is well known to the million—of whose singing, indeed, it forms a part. Perhaps it will be recognised; perhaps not.”

A Polished Poem.

Air.—“If I had a donkey vot vouldn’t go,
Do you think I’d wallop,” &c.
“Had I an ass averse to speed,
Deem’st thou I’d strike him? No, indeed!
Mark me, I’d try persuasion’s art,
For cruelty offends my heart:
Had all resembled me, I ween,
Martin, thy law had needless been
Of speechless brutes from blows to screen
The poor head;
For had I an ass averse to speed
I ne’er would strike him, no, indeed!
I’d give him hay, and cry, ‘Proceed,’
And ‘Go on, Edward!’
Why speak I thus? This very morn,
I saw that cruel William Burn,
Whilst crying ‘Greens’ upon his course,
Assail his ass with all his force;
He smote him o’er the head and thighs,
Till tears bedimmed the creature’s eyes!
Oh! ’twas too much, my blood ’gan rise
And I exclaimed,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
Burn turn’d and cried, with scornful eye,
‘Perchance thou’rt one of Martin’s fry,
And seek’st occasion base to take,
The vile informer’s gain to make.’
Word of denial though I spoke,
Full on my brow his fury broke,
And thus, while I return’d the stroke,
I exclaimed,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
To us, infringing thus the peace,
Approach’d his guardians—the police;
And, like inevitable Fate,
Bore us to where stern Justice sate;
Her minister the tale I told;
And to support my word, made bold
To crave he would the ass behold:
‘For,’ I declared,
‘Had I an,’ &c.

They called the creature into court
Where, sooth to say, he made some sport,
With ears erect, and parted jaws,
As though he strove to plead his cause:
I gained the palm of feelings kind;
The ass was righted; William fined.
For Justice, one with me in mind,
Exclaimed, by her Minister,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
Cried William to his judge, ‘’Tis hard
(Think not the fine that I regard),
But things have reached a goodly pass—
One may not beat a stubborn ass!’
Nought spoke the judge, but closed his book;
So William thence the creature took,
Eyeing me—ah! with what a look,
As gently whispering in his ear, I said,
‘William, had I an,’ &c.”

Cumulative Parodying.

There was a young damsel; oh, bless her,
It cost very little to dress her;
She was sweet as a rose
In her everyday clothes,
But had no young man to caress her.
—Meridien Recorder.
There was a young turkey; oh, bless her:
It cost very little to dress her;
Some dry bread and thyme,
About Thanksgiving time,
And they ate the last bit from the dresser.
—American Punch.