"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no doubt, by, quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic; who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many years' travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions of the habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed his skill at Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, perhaps, has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a clyster to the queen of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord, knows who—as if the wandering about from place to place (supposing it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't be imposed upon by pompous words and magnificent pretensions. He that goes abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb.
"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor—But here I am—your own countryman—your fellow subject—your neighbour, as I may say. Why, gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at Coventry, where my mother now lives—Mary Stubbs by name.
"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not presume to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the seventh son of a seventh, son. Seven days was I before I sucked the breast. Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years before I was heard to utter seven words; and twice seven years have I studied, night and day, for the benefit of you, my friends and countrymen: and now here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to cure all manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without fee or reward—except a trifling gratuity, the prime cost of my medicines; or what you may choose voluntarily to contribute hereafter, out of gratitude for the great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will receive from the use of them.
"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous, * Antifebrifuge Tincture; that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for one poor shilling.
* A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain
English, a tincture that will bring on a fever.
"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence.
"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr. Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will keep seven years, and—be as good as it is now. Here's this large bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence.
"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.—Let Dr. Pestle or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew—in High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders.
"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by their silence.
"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum, Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, Catharticum.—Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst health is so cheaply to be purchased."