“As for me, I remained in the room of the patient, couldn’t tear myself away. I used to tell her amusing anecdotes and to play cards with her. I sat through whole nights with her. Her mother used to thank me with tears in her eyes; but I thought to myself, ‘I’m not worthy of your thanks.’ To be candid with you—nothing is to be gained now by concealing the truth—I fell in love with my patient. And Alexandra Andreyevna too became attached to me; there were times indeed when she wouldn’t permit any one but me in her room. She loved to chat with me—she’d ask me where I had studied, how I lived, who were my kin, whom did I know? I felt that she had no right to talk; and yet I couldn’t think of forbidding her. I’d sometimes put my hands to my head, and I’d reproach myself: ‘What are you doing, murderer?’... And she’d take my hand and hold it, and continue to look at me long, very long; at times she would turn away, utter a sigh, and then she would mutter, ‘How good you are!’ Meanwhile her hands were burning; her eyes grew large and dark. ‘Yes,’ she would say; ‘you are a good, kind man, not at all like our neighbors ... not in the least.’... How my poor heart would go a-fluttering! And all the time ‘Alexandra Andreyevna, be quiet,’ I’d say to her.... ‘Believe me, I am grateful, I don’t know how I have earned it ... only, please be quiet, for God’s sake, be quiet.... Everything shall come out all right, and you shall get well.’ I should tell you, however,” added the doctor, bending forward and raising his eyebrows, “that they had had little to do with the neighbors, because the poorer folk weren’t up to them, while pride stood between them and the rich. I tell you, they were a highly-educated family—which was flattering to me, to be sure.
“From my hands alone she would take her medicine.... She’d raise herself, poor girl, with my help, swallow it, and then glance at me.... How my poor heart would go a-fluttering! And all the time she was growing worse and worse. ‘She will die,’ was my thought, ‘she will certainly die.’ Believe me, I would as lief have descended into the grave myself; and there was her mother standing about; her sisters too were anxious, as they looked into my eyes.... Surely their faith couldn’t last much longer. ‘Well, what today?’ they’d ask. ‘Nothing, nothing,’ I’d reply; but, in truth, my mind was in a whirl.
“One night I sat as usual at the bedside of my patient. The maid too was sitting in the room, and snoring for all she was worth.... She too, poor girl, was exhausted. Alexandra Andreyevna had been feeling badly all that evening; the fever tormented her. Until midnight she tossed about, and finally fell asleep; at least, she lay motionless. In a corner, before the ikon, a lamp was burning. I sat there, my head in my hands, dozing.
“Suddenly—it was as if some one gave me a thrust in the side—I raised my head.... Good God! Alexandra Andreyevna, with her eyes wide open, was gazing at me.... Her lips were parted, her cheeks burning. ‘What is the matter?’ ‘Doctor, am I going to die?’ ‘God forbid!’ ‘No, Doctor, no, please don’t tell me that I shall live ... don’t tell me.... If you only knew ... listen to me, for God’s sake, don’t conceal from me my true state!’ She said this with panting breath. ‘If I were only sure that I shall die ... I’d tell you all, all!’ ‘Alexandra Andreyevna, I entreat you!’ ‘Listen to me,’ she said: ‘I haven’t slept at all; I have been looking at you a long time.... For God’s sake! ... I believe you; you are a good man and an honest man; I conjure you by all that is holy upon earth—to tell me the truth! If you only knew how important it is that I should know!... Doctor, for God’s sake, tell me, am I in danger?’ ‘What am I to tell you, Alexandra Andreyevna, I beg of you?’ ‘I entreat you, for God’s sake!’ ‘I can’t conceal it from you, Alexandra Andreyevna, you are really in danger, but the Lord is merciful.’... ‘I shall die, I shall die!’... And she actually seemed overjoyed; her face lit up with radiance; I became alarmed. ‘Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid; death does not terrify me.’ Suddenly she raised herself, and propped herself up on her elbow. ‘Well, now I can tell you that I am grateful to you from my very soul, that you are a good, honest man, and that I love you.’... I gazed on her as on one mad; it was painful to me, as you may well understand.... ‘Do you hear? I love you!’... ‘Alexandra Andreyevna, how have I earned your love?’ ‘No, no, you don’t understand me ... thou dost not understand me.’[3] ... And suddenly she stretched out her arms, seized my head between her hands, and kissed me.... Believe me, I nearly cried out.... I threw myself on my knees and hid my head in the pillows. She was silent; her fingers trembled in my hair; I could hear her weeping. I tried to quiet her, to reassure her.... I really don’t know what I said to her. ‘You’ll awaken the maid, Alexandra Andreyevna,’ I said to her.... ‘Indeed, I am grateful ... believe me ... calm yourself.’ ‘Enough, enough,’ she repeated. ‘God be with them all; let them awaken, let them come—it is all the same; since I shall die.... But why do you tremble, why are you afraid? Lift your head.... Or perhaps you don’t love me, perhaps I have been deceived.... If so, please forgive me.’ ‘Alexandra Andreyevna, what are you saying? ... I love you, Alexandra Andreyevna.’ She looked straight into my eyes, and opened her arms. ‘Then embrace me.’...
“To speak candidly, I can’t quite comprehend how it was that I didn’t lose my mind that night. There was the feeling that she was consuming herself, also that she was not in her senses; and that were it not for the fact that she considered herself as dying, she wouldn’t have thought of me. Say what you will, it’s a hideous thought to be dying at twenty years of age without having loved some one; that is what tortured her, that is why in her desperation she clung to me—do you grasp the idea? She held me there in her embrace. ‘Have pity on me, Alexandra Andreyevna, and have pity on thyself,’ I said to her. ‘Why, should I?’ was her reply. ‘What is there to pity, since I must die?’... She repeated this incessantly. ‘If I only knew that I’d remain alive and go among respectable young ladies, I’d feel ashamed, dreadfully ashamed ... but what does it matter to me now?’ ‘Who told you you’re going to die?’ ‘Oh, no, enough of this, you shan’t fool me, you don’t know how to lie, look at yourself.’ ‘You shall live, Alexandra Andreyevna, I shall save you; then we will ask your mother for her blessing.... We will marry, we will be happy.’ ‘No, no, I have your word for it, I must die.... You had promised me.... You told me so.’...
“I felt bitter at heart, and for many reasons. And judge for yourself; often small things happen, trifling in themselves, yet they are painful. It occurred to her to ask me my Christian name. As ill luck will have it, I am called Trifon; yes, Trifon, Trifon Ivanich. In the house I was simply called Doctor. There was no help for it. ‘Trifon, miss,’ I replied. She looked amused, and she shook her head; then she whispered something in French—something that didn’t sound quite nice; then she laughed; it was unpleasant to me, I assure you. In such a manner I passed almost the entire night with her. In the morning I left her, almost not in my own senses. I reëntered her room later in the morning, after tea. Good God! she was hardly recognizable; a corpse couldn’t have looked worse. I swear to you, upon my honor, I really can’t understand how I endured the torture. Three days and three nights more my patient lingered ... and what nights they were! And the things she said to me!... Then the final night—imagine to yourself; I was sitting beside her, and there was in my heart but one prayer to God: ‘Take her as soon as possible, and me also.’... Suddenly, unexpectedly, her mother entered the room.... I had already told her the day before that there was but little hope, and that it would be well to have a priest. The sick girl, seeing her mother, blurted out, ‘I’m glad you came.... Look at us, we love each other, we have promised ourselves to each other!’ ‘What is she saying, Doctor, what is she saying?’ I grew deathly pale. ‘She’s delirious, it’s the fever.’... But she went on: ‘Enough, enough, only a little while ago you spoke differently to me, and even accepted a ring from me ... why do you dissemble? My mother is good-hearted, she will forgive. She will understand; but I’m dying—there’s no reason why I should lie; give me your hand.’... I sprang up and ran out of the room. The old mother, of course, guessed the true state of affairs.
“I’ll not go on, however, tiring you with any further details. As it is, I find it painful to recall it all. The girl died the next day. May the Holy Kingdom be hers!” added the doctor quickly and with a sigh. “Before she died she requested her kin to go out of the room and to leave me alone with her. ‘Forgive me,’ she said to me. ‘I perhaps am guilty before you ... my illness ... but, believe me, I never loved any one so much ... don’t forget me ... take care of my ring.’”
The doctor turned away his face; I took his hand.
“Eh!” he sighed, “let’s chat about something else, or perhaps you’d rather have a game of ‘preference,’ for a trifle? It’s not for our kind to give way to elevated feelings. There’s but one thing left for us—to manage that our children don’t squall, and our wives don’t scold. Since those days, you see, I have entered, as one might say, into the legal bonds of matrimony.... Well.... I married a merchant’s daughter, who brought me a dot of seven thousand rubles. Her name is Akulina; it goes just right with Trifon. She is an ill-tempered dame, but fortunately she sleeps all day long.... Did you say ‘preference’?”
We began to play preference, at a copeck. Trifon Ivanich succeeded in winning from me two rubles and a half, and left late, much gratified with his victory.