"Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop!
The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop!
The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading
The Daily, the Herald, the Post, little heeding
The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;
Not one raised a head or even made a suggestion;
And the barber kept on shaving.
"Don't you see, Mister Brown,"
Cried the youth with a frown,
"How wrong the whole thing is,
How preposterous each wing is,
How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is—
In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 'tis!
I make no apology, I've learned owl-eology.
I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,
And cannot be blinded to any deflections
Arising from unskilful fingers that fail
To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.
Mister Brown! Mister Brown! Do take that bird down,
Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!"
And the barber kept on shaving.
"I've studied owls,
And other night fowls,
And I tell you
What I know to be true;
An owl cannot roost
With his limbs so unloosed.
No owl in this world
Ever had his claws curled,
Ever had his legs slanted,
Ever had his bill canted,
Ever had his neck screwed
Into that attitude.
He can't do it, because
'Tis against all bird laws,
Anatomy teaches,
Ornithology preaches,
An owl has a toe
That can't turn out so!
I've made the white owl my study for years,
And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!
Mister Brown, I'm amazed
You should be so gone crazed
As to put up a bird
In that posture absurd!
To look at that owl really brings on a dizziness;
The man who stuffed him don't half know his business!"
And the barber kept on shaving.
"Examine those eyes,
I'm filled with surprise
Taxidermists should pass
Off on you such poor glass;
So unnatural they seem
They'd, make Audubon scream,
And John Burroughs laugh
To encounter such chaff.
Do take that bird down:
Have him stuffed again, Brown!"
And the barber kept on shaving.
"With some sawdust and bark
I could stuff in the dark
An owl better than that.
I could make an old hat
Look more like an owl
Than that horrid fowl,
Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather,
In fact, about him there's not one natural feather."
Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,
The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,
Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic
(Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic.
And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:
"Your learning's at fault this time, anyway;
Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.
I'm an owl; you're another, Sir Critic, good day!"
And the barber kept on shaving.
THE TRUE STORY OF KING MARSHMALLOW,
O a jolly old fellow was King Marshmallow
As ever wore a crown!
At every draught of wine he quaffed,
And at every joke of his jester he laughed,
Laughed till the tears ran down—
O, he laughed Ha! Ha! and he laughed Ho! Ho!
And every time that he laughed, do you know,
The Lords in waiting they did just so.
But Queen Bonniberry was not quite so merry;
She sat and sighed all the while,
And she turned very red and shook her head
At everything Jingle the jester said,
And never vouchsafed a smile.
O, she sighed Ah me! and she sighed Heigh-oh!
And every time that she sighed, do you know,
The Ladies in waiting they did just so.
Then the jester spoke just by way of a joke,
(O he was a funny man!)
And he said May it please your majesties,
I wish to complain of those impudent fleas
That bite me whenever they can!
Then the king he laughed Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho!
And the queen she sighed Ah me!—Heigh-oh!
While the Lords and the Ladies they did just so.