The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.
SETTLING THE WINE BILL.—445.
An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for—came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d——d bag."—Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."—Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount.
SMILES.—446.
What a sight there is in that word—smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy—the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.—Sam Slick.
FORLORN HOPE.—447.
An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:—"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all."
ARTISTIC EXECUTION.—448.
A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."