POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.—538.
"John, what do you do for a living?"—"Oh, me preach."—"Preach, and do you get paid for it?"—"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings."—"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"—"Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."
A TRUMP CARD.—539.
There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?"—"Pontius Pilate," said he.—"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."—"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that—and it's a dreadful pity—call him Trump;" and he was christened "Trump Card."—Sam Slick.
TIMELY WARNING.—540.
A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:—I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but—Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.—"Pretty well," said I.—"What are you about? preparing your leader?"—"Yes," said I.—"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"—"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope."—"You have a large lot of readers," said he.—"Well, pretty well for that," said I.—"And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.—"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—"You don't say so!" said he.—"Yes, that I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—"Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people."
HABITUAL THIRST.—541.
A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president—"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."