A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined amende honourable, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:—"Amende Honourable:—We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, is no-thing."
YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.—566.
An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his stolidity."
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.—567.
A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.
HALF GUILTY.—568.
A man was on trial for entering a house in Philadelphia in the night time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my client on such testimony! The law is against entering a house, and can a man be said to enter a house when only one-half of his body is in, and the other half out?" The jury brought in a verdict of "guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.
THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.—569.
A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other impediment. "I have a wife already."