An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why—hic—why, the fact is—hic—a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."
THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.—199.
One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.' 'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.'"
A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.—200.
An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an engagement. "What rôle would you prefer, my friend?" asked the manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't partial to rolls, nohow—corn-dodgers is my favourite."
TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.—201.
Dr. A——, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr. L——, who addressed Dr. A—— as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A——. "Well," said Dr. L——, "a thing I never do is to take my patients out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A——; "the undertaker does it for you."
A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.—202.
The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry. I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer, Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood. The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company; he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister, farewell!"