An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. "Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a quarter of an inch thick.
FANCY HER FEELINGS.—230.
Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:—"Do you think, Mary, you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, "there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll mention it to him."
ABSENCE OF MIND.—231.
The Lowell Journal gives an account of a rich scene that occurred in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left in the first train.
KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.—232.
When the editor of the Bulletin said, "We are under conviction that," &c., the editor of the Sunday Mercury retorted: "This is not the first time that the editor of the Bulletin has been under conviction!"
A LEGAL TOAST.—233.
At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, the toast was given:—"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."