A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the above we will be pleased to hear from him.
TRUTH WANTED.—397.
Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka, Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the witness—a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed—"Now, sir, stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, sir!" roared the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the truth!" Just imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and "silence."
AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.—398.
An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him, exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise about it than the man who just lost his head!"
STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.—399.
A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town, a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. If the enemy were to fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed one of you! Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.
STEAM DEFINED.—400.
At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir, what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!—steam, is ah! ah! steam is—steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous perspiration."