| A mackintosh cape and gum knee-boots are grand for wet weather | But when old Zero pays you a visit put ’em all on |
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
By our Inquiry Office Orderly, Pte. T. COLLES, 3rd L.H.F.A.
Snidger.—We quite agree with you that this is a soldiers’ journal rather than a Sunday School prize book. Nevertheless, the chaplain-editor feels we must decline the limerick series you submitted us. Our head printer is a married man with a growing family, and sternly refuses to handle your matter. So that settles it.
Anxious.—Your cold feet complaint must not necessarily be a chronic affliction. Many chaps have been permanently cured by a little vigorous pedestrian exercise: such as vaulting the parapet and bogging into a dinkum bayonet charge. So cheer up! It will go away of its own accord once you get “warmed up to it.”
Comic-Cuts.—Sorry all the generals you have so far seen do not come up to your humorous expectations. When you do meet the general of whom you approve, we should advise you just to drop him a line and let him know. It will warm the poor old fellow up.
Hungry Always.—Yes, soft—or light—diet is absolutely necessary in treatment for dysentery or gastritis. If you think you know better than the doctor, experiment with green quinces and lemonade.... Let’s know how you get on.
Chaplain of the —th.—Dear kind-hearted old chap! Haven’t you quite enough to do here without worrying your head over the progress of war-relief funds in Australia? Anyhow, it may please you to know that it is proposed to impose a special fine for every time the word “blanky” is used by men or officers; the proceeds to go to the various funds. So you need have no fear of the said funds not reaching the million £ mark in quite a short time now.
Seedee Bot.—You can’t expect us to diagnose your complaint if you don’t make your symptoms clear. But if you feel that a torchlight procession is going on in your interior, you have probably exposed yourself too suddenly to an attack of Cambridge sausages and tinned peaches. Try a change of diet, say, whisky and Schweppes with steak and kidney pudding.