The Book of Humorous Verse

by Unknown

Quoth John to Joan, will thou have me; I prithee now, wilt? and I'll marry thee, My cow, my calf, my house, my rents, And all my lands and tenements: Oh, say, my Joan, will not that do? I cannot come every day to woo. I've corn and hay in the barn hardby, And three fat hogs pent up in the sty, I have a mare and she is coal black, I ride on her tail to save my back. Then say, etc. I have a cheese upon the shelf, And I cannot eat it all myself; I've three good marks that lie in a rag, In a nook of the chimney, instead of a bag. Then say, etc. To marry I would have thy consent, But faith I never could compliment; I can say nought but "Hoy, gee ho!" Words that belong to the cart and the plough. So say, my Joan, will not that do, I cannot come every day to woo. Unknown.

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OUT UPON IT

Out upon it, I have loved Three whole days together; And am like to love three more, If it prove fair weather. Time shall moult away his wings, Ere he shall discover In the whole wide world again Such a constant Lover. But the spite on't is, no praise Is due at all to me: Love with me had made no stays, Had it any been but she. Had it any been but she, And that very face, There had been at least ere this A dozen dozen in her place. Sir John Suckling.

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LOVE IS LIKE A DIZZINESS

I lately lived in quiet case, An' ne'er wish'd to marry, O! But when I saw my Peggy's face, I felt a sad quandary, O! Though wild as ony Athol deer, She has trepann'd me fairly, O! Her cherry cheeks an' een sae clear Torment me late an' early O! O, love, love, love! Love is like a dizziness; It winna let a poor body Gang about his biziness! To tell my feats this single week Wad mak a daft-like diary, O! I drave my cart out ow'r a dike, My horses in a miry, O! I wear my stockings white an' blue, My love's sae fierce an' fiery, O! I drill the land that I should pleugh, An' pleugh the drills entirely, O! O, love, love, love! etc. Ae morning, by the dawn o' day, I rase to theek the stable, O! I keust my coat, and plied away As fast as I was able, O! I wrought that morning out an' out, As I'd been redding fire, O! When I had done an look'd about, Gudefaith, it was the byre, O! O, love, love, love! etc. Her wily glance I'll ne'er forget, The dear, the lovely blinkin o't Has pierced me through an' through the heart, An' plagues me wi' the prinking o't. I tried to sing, I tried to pray, I tried to drown't wi' drinkin' o't, I tried with sport to drive't away, But ne'er can sleep for thinkin' o't. O, love, love, love! etc. Nae man can tell what pains I prove, Or how severe my pliskie, O! I swear I'm sairer drunk wi' love Than ever I was wi' whiskey, O! For love has raked me fore an' aft, I scarce can lift a leggie, O! I first grew dizzy, then gaed daft, An' soon I'll dee for Peggy, O! O, love, love, love! Love is like a dizziness; It winna let a poor body Gang about his biziness! James Hogg.

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THE KITCHEN CLOCK

Knitting is the maid o' the kitchen, Milly, Doing nothing sits the chore boy, Billy: "Seconds reckoned, Seconds reckoned; Every minute, Sixty in it. Milly, Billy, Billy, Milly, Tick-tock, tock-tick, Nick-knock, knock-nick, Knockety-nick, nickety-knock,"— Goes the kitchen clock. Closer to the fire is rosy Milly, Every whit as close and cosy, Billy: "Time's a-flying, Worth your trying; Pretty Milly— Kiss her, Billy! Milly, Billy, Billy, Milly, Tick-tock, tock-tick, Now—now, quick—quick! Knockety-nick, nickety-knock,"— Goes the kitchen clock. Something's happened, very red is Milly, Billy boy is looking very silly; "Pretty misses, Plenty kisses; Make it twenty, Take a plenty. Billy, Milly, Milly, Billy, Right—left, left—right, That's right, all right, Knockety-nick, nickety-knock,"— Goes the kitchen clock. Weeks gone, still they're sitting, Milly, Billy; O, the winter winds are wondrous chilly! "Winter weather, Close together; Wouldn't tarry, Better marry. Milly, Billy, Billy, Milly, Two—one, one—two, Don't wait, 'twon't do, Knockety-nick, nickety-knock,"— Goes the kitchen clock. Winters two have gone, and where is Milly? Spring has come again, and where is Billy? "Give me credit, For I did it; Treat me kindly, Mind you wind me. Mister Billy, Mistress Milly, My—O, O—my, By-by, by-by, Nickety-knock, cradle rock,"— Goes the kitchen clock. John Vance Cheney.