Time did not ease his sufferings. They became intolerable. He resolved to die.
And one day that he found himself at the edge of a fountain, as he stooped over it to judge the depth of the water, he saw facing him an old man, all fleshless, with white beard and so lamentable an aspect that he could not restrain his tears. The other wept also. Without recognizing his own reflection, Julian had a confused remembrance of a face that resembled it. He uttered a cry; it was his father; and he had no more thought of killing himself.
So bearing about the burden of his memory he covered many countries; and he arrived beside a river the crossing of which was dangerous because of its violence, and because there was a great stretch of mud on its banks. No one had dared to cross it for a long time.
An old boat, sunk by the stern, reared its prow among the reeds. On examining it, Julian discovered a pair of oars; and the thought struck him to employ his existence in the service of others.
He began by establishing a sort of causeway on the bank, which would permit of descending to the channel; and he broke his nails dislodging enormous stones, thrust his stomach against them to move them, slid in the mud, sunk in it, all but perished several times.
Then he repaired the boat with some wreckage, and built himself a cabin with clay and tree-trunks.
When the ferry became known, travellers presented themselves. They summoned him from the other bank by waving flags; Julian quickly sprang into his boat. It was very heavy; and they overloaded it with all sort of baggage and bundles, not to speak of the beasts of burden, which, plunging with terror, increased the encumbrance. He asked nothing for his trouble; some gave him scraps of victuals that they took from their wallets, or worn-out clothes that they no longer wanted. Rough characters vociferated blasphemies. Julian reproached them gently, and they retorted with insults. He contented himself with blessing them.
A little table, a stool, a bed of dead leaves and three earthenware cups, that was all his furniture. Two holes in the wall served for windows. On one side, as far as the eye could reach, extended sterile plains with pale meres on their surface here and there; and in front of him the great river rolled its greenish waves. In spring the humid earth had an odour of rottenness. Then a wanton wind would raise the dust in clouds. It came in everywhere, muddied the water, crunched under his teeth. A little later, there were clouds of mosquitoes, whose trumpeting and stinging never ceased day or night. Next came cruel frosts, which gave things the rigidity of stone and caused a mad longing to eat flesh.
Months passed without Julian seeing any person. Often he closed his eyes, trying by way of memory to return to his youth;—and a castle yard appeared with greyhounds in a porch, serving-men in the hall, and beneath an arbour of vines a fair-haired youth between an old man in furs and a lady with a great head-dress; all at once the two corpses were there. He threw himself flat on his face upon his bed and weeping repeated:
“Ah, poor father! poor mother! poor mother!” and fell into a swoon in which the doleful visions continued.