Night fell suddenly. It was the moment I had decided to seize. But that moment has lasted for me up to this very day, and I shall drag it after me all my life like a chain and ball.
Here the old major was obliged to stop. I took care not to speak, for fear of diverting his thoughts; he continued, beating his breast:
That moment, I tell you, I cannot yet understand. I felt my rage mounting to my very hair, and, at the same time, something or other made me obey and urged me onward. I called the officers and said to one of them:
“Come, launch a boat ... since we are now executioners! You will put that woman in it, and will take her out into the ocean until you hear guns going off. Then you will return.” To obey a scrap of paper! for that was really all it was! There must have been something in the air that urged me on. I caught a glimpse in the distance of the young man ... oh! it was terrible to see! ... kneeling before his Laurette and kissing her knees and her feet. Do you not think I was very unhappy?
I called out like a madman! “Separate them ... we are all rascals! Separate them.... The poor Republic is a dead body! The Directors, the Directory, are its vermin! I shall leave the sea! I’m not afraid of all your lawyers; let them be told what I say, what does it matter to me?” Ah! much I cared for them, indeed! I should have liked to get hold of them, I should have had all five of them shot, the rascals! Oh! I would have done it; I cared as much for life as for the rain falling yonder, there.... Much I cared for it! ... a life like mine.... Ah! yes, indeed, a poor life ... truly!” ...
And the major’s voice died away little by little and became as uncertain as his words; and he walked on, biting his lips and frowning in a wild and fierce abstraction. He gave little convulsive movements, and struck his mule with his scabbard, as if he wanted to kill it. What astonished me, was to see the yellow skin of his face turn a dark red. He unfastened and violently tore open his coat at his chest, baring it to the wind and rain. Thus we continued our march in deep silence. I saw clearly that he would not speak any more of his own accord, and that I must bring myself to question him.
“I quite understand,” I said, as if he had finished his story, “that, after so cruel an experience, one conceives a horror for one’s calling.”