A beardless disciple of Themis rises, and thus addresses the court:
“May it please your worships, and you, gentlemen of the jury, since it has been my fortune (good or bad, I will not say) to exercise myself in legal disquisitions, it has never befallen me to be obliged to prosecute so direful, marked, and malicious an assault—a more wilful, violent, dangerous battery—and finally, a more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom happened in a civilized country; and I dare say it has seldom been your duty to pass upon one so shocking to benevolent feelings, as this which took place over at Captain Rice’s, in this county. But you will hear from the witnesses.”
The witnesses being sworn, two or three were examined and deposed. One said that he heard the noise, and did not see the fight; another that he had seen the row, but didn’t know who struck first; and a third, that he was very drunk, and couldn’t say much about the skrimmage.
Lawyer Chops. I am sorry, gentlemen, to have occupied your time with the stupidity of the witnesses examined. It arises, gentlemen, altogether from misapprehension on my part. Had I known, as I now do, that I had a witness in attendance who was well acquainted with all the circumstances of the case, and who was able to make himself clearly understood by the court and jury, I should not so long have trespassed upon your time and patience. Come forward, Mr. Harris, and be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, a fat, shuffy old man, a “leetle” corned, and took his oath with an air.
Chops. Harris, we wish you to tell all about the riot that happened the other day at Captain Rice’s; and as a good deal of time has already been wasted in circumlocution, we wish you to be compendious, and at the same time as explicit, as possible.
Harris. Adzackly (giving the lawyer a knowing wink, and at the same time clearing his throat). Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard, she came over to our house, and axed me if my wife she moutn’t go? I told cousin Sally Dilliard that my wife was poorly, being as how she had a touch of the rheumatics in the hip, and the big swamp was in the road, and the big swamp was up, for there had been a heap of rain lately; but howsomever, as it was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, my wife she mout go. Well, cousin Sally Dilliard then axed me if Mose he moutn’t go? I told cousin Sally Dilliard that he was the foreman of the crap, and the crap was smartly in the grass; but howsomever as it was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, Mose he mout go.
Chops. In the name of common sense, Mr. Harris, what do you mean by this rigmarole?
Witness. Captain Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard she came over to our house, and axed me if my wife she moutn’t go? I told cousin Sally Dilliard—
Chops. Stop, Sir, if you please; we don’t want to hear anything about your cousin Sally Dilliard and your wife. Tell us about the fight at Rice’s.