RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago.
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SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested.
SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.)
SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on himself.
SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money with it.
SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked.
SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him.
SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.