“What for you’ll boo, boo, and scrape, scrape there, you tam ass!” exclaimed Donald, furiously. “Co and pring us the whisky. Two half mutchkins, I say.”
Again the polite landlord of the Golden Eagle, which was the name of the inn, bowed his non-comprehension of what was said to him.
“Cot’s mercy! can you’ll not spoke English, either?” shouted Donald, despairingly, on his second rebuff, and at the same time striking the table impatiently with his clenched fist. “Can you’ll spoke Gaelic, then?” he added; and, without waiting for a reply, he repeated his demand in that language. The experiment was unsuccessful. Mine host of the Golden Eagle understood neither Gaelic nor English. Finding this, Donald had once more recourse to the dumb show of raising his hand to his mouth, as if in the act of drinking; and once more he found the sign perfectly intelligible. On its being made, the landlord instantly retired, and in a minute after returned with a couple of bottles in hand, and two very large-sized glasses, which he placed on the table. Eyeing the bottles contemptuously:—“It’s no porter; it’s whisky I’ll order,” exclaimed Donald, angrily, conceiving that it was the former beverage that had been brought him. “Porter’s drink for hocs, and not for human podies.” Finding it wholly impossible, however, to make this sentiment understood, Donald was compelled to content himself with the liquor which had been brought him. Under this conviction, he seized one of the bottles, filled up a glass to the brim, muttering the while “that it was tam white, strange-looking porter,” started to his feet, and, holding the glass extended in his hand, shouted the health of his ragged company, in Gaelic, and bolted the contents. But the effect of this proceeding was curious. The moment the liquor, which was some of the common wine of Spain, was over Donald’s throat, he stared wildly, as if he had just done some desperate deed—swallowed an adder by mistake, or committed some such awkward oversight. This expression of horror was followed by the most violent sputterings and hideous grimaces, accompanied by a prodigious assemblage of curses of all sorts, in Gaelic and English, and sometimes of an equal proportion of both.
“Oich, oich! poisoned, by Cot!—vinekar, horrid vinekar! Lanlort, I say, what cursed stuffs is this you kive us?” And again Donald sputtered with an energy and perseverance that nothing but a sense of the utmost disgust and loathing could have inspired. Both the landlord and Donald’s own guests, at once comprehending his feelings regarding the wine, hastened, by every act and sign they could think of, to assure him that he was wrong in entertaining so unfavourable an opinion of its character and qualities. Mine host, filling up a glass, raised it to his mouth, and, sipping a little of the liquor, smacked his lips, in token of high relish of its excellences. He then handed the glass round the company, all of whom tasted and approved, after the same expressive fashion; and thus, without a word being said, a collective opinion, hollow against Donald, was obtained.
“Well, well, trink the apominations, and be curst to you!” said Donald, who perfectly understood that judgment had gone against him, “and much goot may’t do you! but mysel would sooner trink the dirty bog water of Sleevrechkin. Oich, oich! the dirts! But I say, lanlort, maype you’ll have got some prandies in the house? I can make shift wi’ that when there’s no whisky to be cot.”
Fortunately for Donald, mine host of the Golden Eagle at once understood the word brandy, and, understanding it, lost no time in placing a measure of that liquor before him; and as little time did Donald lose in swallowing an immense bumper of the inspiring alcohol.
“Ay,” said Donald, with a look of great satisfaction, on performing this feat, “that’s something like a human Christian’s trink. No your tam vinekar, as would colic a horse.” Saying this, he filled up and discussed another modicum of the brandy; his followers, in the meantime, having done the same duty by the two bottles of wine, which were subsequently replaced by another two, by the order of their hospitable entertainer. On Donald, however, his libations were now beginning to produce, in a very marked manner, their usual effects. He was first getting into a state of high excitation; thumping the table violently with his fist, and sputtering out furious discharges of Gaelic and English, mingled in one strange and unintelligible mess of words, and seemingly oblivious of the fact that not a syllable of what he said could be comprehended by his auditory. This, then, was a circumstance which did not hinder him from entertaining his friends with a graphic description of Eddernahulish, and a very animated account of a particular deer-chase in which he had once been engaged. In short, in the inspiration of the hour, Donald seemed to have entirely forgotten every circumstance connected with his present position. He appeared to have forgotten that he was in a foreign land; forgotten the purpose that brought him there; forgotten his brother; forgotten those associated with him were Spaniards, not Atholemen; in truth, forgotten everything he should have recollected. In this happy state of obfuscation, Donald continued to roar, to drink, and to talk away precisely as he was wont to do in Rory MʻFadyen’s “public” in Kilnichrochokan. From being oratorical, Donald became musical, and insisted on having a song from some of his friends; but failing to make his request intelligible, he volunteered one himself, and immediately struck up, in a strong nasal twang, and with a voice that made the whole house ring:—
“Ta Heelan hills are high, high, high,
An’ ta Heelan miles are long;
But, then, my freens, rememper you,
Ta Heelan whisky’s strong, strong, strong!
Ta Heelan whisky’s strong,
“And who shall care for ta length o’ ta mile,
Or who shall care for ta hill,
If he shall have, ’fore he teukit ta way,
In him’s cheek one Heelan shill?
In him’s cheek one Heelan shill?
“An’ maype he’ll pe teukit twa;
I’ll no say is no pe tree;
And what although it should pe four?
Is no pussiness you or me, me, me—
Is no pussiness you or me.”