"Deel an' it may choke ye, as the gallows has dune mony a better man!" interrupted the laird. "Purge the record o' a' bad Latin! Ha! ha! Drumwhussle, I ken guid Latin frae dog-Latin or cock Latin, just as weel as ye do. Purge the record, man, I say."
"Let me alane, man," replied Drumwhussle, impatiently; "ye interrupt my story wi' your scraps o' misapplied learning. You should never insinuate an ill motive in English. Do ye no ken lawyers never use the words 'bad intention' in designating vice: they veil a' enormities in Latin—for the craturs are sae pure an' delicate-minded that they couldna bear the expression o' man's frailties in the vulgar tongue; maelice prepense—maelice prepense is the term you should hae used, man. But letten that slip gang—for I excuse ignorance whar knowledge is so difficult o' attainment—the cocks were brought face to face, an', like true lawyers, they closed—no the record, for the craturs despised a' condescendence o' grievances; they fought upon the mere libel an' defence: a craw on each side vivy vocey; and till't they gaed wi' a pluck seldom witnessed out o' the Parliament House. The upshot may be easily predicted: weight, substance prevailed just as in the courts o' justice—the 'midden,' a pound heavier than the Sumatra jungle-cock, killed his opponent in five minutes; and Jock, lifting up the victor, that crew a noble triumph in his arms, hurried awa, an' left the dominie's cock lying a mere kappit mortum—like an interlocutor that's allowed to become feenal because nae man can mak either head or tail o't—on the ground, a corp, or, as Quirkum ca'ed it, a corpus delichtfu."[7]
"Capital, capital," cried the laird. "We'll hae a plea, I hope, on the ground o' damage. A better case for 'plucking' never came before the fifteen."
"Ay, and that wi' a vengeance," resumed Drumwhussle. "Though the cock's plea was feenal, a sleeping or dead case, as lawyers ken, may produce twenty living anes. The dominie valued his cock at the price o' twenty guineas; he was to have been the pawter o' a new breed (he said) that he intended to produce in Scotland; an' the expense o' bringing him frae Sumatra alane was at least the half o' that sum. Like a sturdy litigant—gemm to the heels—I resisted the demand o' damage, an' took my ground on the instant—alleging preemo, that the cocks fought sowy sponty;[8] and, secundo, that the slaughtered cock was a mere 'blue ginger;' and thus throwing the onus o' proving the contrary on the back o' the dominie."
"A noble device," shouted the laird; "famous pleas in law. Even Corporal Jooris[9] himsel could na hae ta'en his position better. But proceed, proceed. I'm deein to hear the issue. Oh, that that plea had been mine! The chancellor's wig wad hae bobbit owre't; for they say there's nae stoure in it, as in the mealy, muddy scratches in our Parliament House. Come awa wi' the soul-stirring intelligence."
"Ay, an' pouch-stirring too," rejoined Drumwhussle. "Weel, the dominie was as guid gemm as his cock, an' awa he hied to Paisley, an' put the case into the hands o' that clever deevil o' a cratur Jobbit, who, instanter, sent me a summons, containing a preamble o' nineteen pages, an' a conclusion o' three—seventy-five words a-page, according to my calculation. I declare the screed made my vera een reel, it was sae masterfully Latineezed, turned, interwoven, an' crammed wi' 'saids' and 'foresaids.' It set forth the said dominie as 'greeting' to the sheriff for the loss o' his cock—a maist cunning an' loyal device o' Jobbit's, wha dootless had an ee to the case going before the depute, an' then it went on to narrate" (Drumwhussle drew out a copy of the summons) "that 'the complainer had commissioned the said bird or cock—along with a female—which was of the species gallus giganteus, from the island of Sumatra, where it is known by the natives of that island by the scientific, or vulgar, or common appellative of ayam bankiva—all as appeareth from Temmink's History of Cocks—and that the complainer's intention or object, in so commissioning the said birds from that distant region, was, that he might introduce into our country the breed, which was supposed to be more full of blood and spirit than our own breed of poultry, and had, moreover, the advantage of producing more eggs—insomuch as the female laid all the year through, while the flesh was whiter and more highly-flavoured, approaching, in this respect, to that of the pheasant; that the expense of bringing the said birds from Sumatra was ten guineas sterling; that the complainer had, by dint of great ingenuity and perseverance, got the said birds naturalised as completely as if they had been natural-born subjects of this realm, and was on the very eve of reaping the fruits of his patriotic labours—the fame of a breeder of a new species of poultry, and the emoluments of a vender or seller of the same to the farmers and bird-fanciers of the kingdom—when David Drumwhussle, tenant of Craignockan, actuated by malice prepense, or by envy, or by fear that his own breed of poultry (of the common or dunghill species) would be displaced and superseded by the other and superior kind, or by some other motive or feeling, implying dolus, did stir up and excite his son, John Drumwhussle, for whose acts and deeds—being a minor, and not forisfamiliated—he was liable, to bring—vi aut clam—his the said David Drumwhussle's cock, and his the said complainer's, into a pugnacious attitude and position, and to instigate the same to mortal combat, whereby the said cocks having engaged secundum suam naturam in a lethal duellum, did fight till his, the complainer's, was left in the field dead; that the primary consequence of this premeditated act was, that the female was rendered mateless, unproductive, and useless, insomuch as her cohabitation and society with cocks of this country would never be the means of producing the species of gallus giganteus; the secondary, that the complainer was deprived of a source of legitimate gain; and the tertiary, that the country of Great Britain lost the superlative advantage of an improved breed of poultry.' Thae are the premises."
"An' fine premises they are," replied Guidyill. "Jobbit never laid an egg mair certain o' producin a weel-feathered bird for the lawyers."
"Ye're richt, laird, sae far," replied Drumwhussle; "but ye've yet to learn that it had twa yolks—twa law-pleas cam out o't. But ye'll hear. I needna read the conclusion—a' in the ordinary form, ye ken:—therefore it ought and should be found and declared, and so forth; and that I should be decerned to pay twenty guineas as the value of the cock, and damages sustained for the loss of his expected progeny."
"Weel, weel, the defences, the defences," cried the laird, in eager expectation. "Ye wad state the defence on the merits first, I fancy, an' then the preliminary ane."
"The cart afore the horse, ye fule!" answered Drumwhussle, chuckling. "I despised a' dilatory pleas, man: I cam to the marrow at ance, an' instructed my agent, Mr Kirkham, or Quirkum, as he is generally styled, for his exquisite adroitness an' cleverness, to use the very highest flicht o' his inventive fancy—to consult Erskine an' Stair, an' even Corporal Jooris—to dive into the Roman Pawndecs[10]—the deegest—the discreets—every authority, in fack, he could think o'—no forgetting Cock on Littletun; and send me a draft o' the defences siny mory.[11] He did so, and oh, such a beautiful invention! They set forth, as a kind o' flourish afore the real tug o' the tournay, that the libel was a big lee frae beginning to end; that the pursuer's cock was, even in his ain showing, an alien cratur, an' no entitled to the richts o' natural-born subjects; that he interfered wi' the queens o' the seraglio o' my winged potentate—making love to them, crawing to them, an' displaying his gaudy wings to them, as if he were lord o' a' the feathered creation; that the defender's cock, acting upon the weel-ascertained richt o' defending conjugal property, slew him, on the strength o' the English case, Jenkins versus Lovelace, where a husband was found justified in taking the life o' ane wha made love to his wife. In the second place, it was denied simpleeciter that the cock was o' the species gawlus giganteus, being a mere 'blue ginger'—worth five shillins—o' the auld breed o' Scotland, whilk cam frae the stock named by the Greek play-writer, Mr Arrantstuffanes, 'the Persian bird.' We thus threw the hail onus proovandy on the back o' the dominie, an', by my faith, he fand the weight o't!"